


As Close As We Can Get

by JayceCarter



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Angst, Dubious Consent, F/M, Hate Sex, Slow Burn, Smut, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-08 19:11:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 32,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10394154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayceCarter/pseuds/JayceCarter
Summary: Kellogg isn't gone, and now it seems he has partial control of Nick's body. With no immediate way to fix the problem, Nora has to deal with Kellogg sharing Nick's body. Nick and Nora have both fought against giving into any sort of romance, but this stress causes them to reevaluate that choice. Meanwhile, an ugly attraction sprouts between Kellogg and Nora, and as much as she hates him, she can't seem to let go of the connection. As they search for a way to fix the problem, to separate Nick and Kellogg safely, they have to face and navigate a relationship they'd never had to define before.





	1. Chapter 1

Nick stared across the way at Nora, though she paid him no mind. She laid on her bed, on her stomach, knees bent so her legs crossed at the ankle above her. A book set out open before her, and her finger ran across the lines of text.

 

The book was an old Detective Noir novel that Nick himself had given her after he’d found her reading some romance book about pirates. She was better off reading a classic like this than the trash that had enraptured her before.

 

“How’s the plot, Doll?”

 

Nora tilted her head and smiled. Damn, that smile stole his breath. “Good. The Detective just found the boyfriend dead, so he couldn’t have been the killer. And someone left a note on his car, warning him off the case.”

 

“Any guesses on who did it?”

 

She shrugged, and the movement of her bare shoulder caught his attention. She wore a tank top and shorts, not anything inherently seductive, but the freckles on her skin always drew him in. He counted them, before, when she slept and it was his job to watch over her. She had eighty-seven on her left shoulder, though he wouldn’t swear by it. Some had faded enough they ran into each other, so the number was subjective.

 

“I thought it was the boyfriend, honestly. Men are assholes.”

 

Nick laughed and closed the file on his desk. Well, the desk she’d set up for him at her place, so he could work there instead of keeping Ellie up and living at his office. “Sure, sweetheart, a lot of ‘em are. But he’s dead, so it wasn’t him.”

 

“Yeah, but he was still an asshole. Do you know who did it?”

 

“Of course I do.”

 

“You want to give me a clue?”

 

“What fun would that be? Go on, keep reading. Let me know when you reach chapter thirty-three. It’s my favorite.”

 

Nora stuck her tongue out at him before she returned her attention to the book in front of her.

 

Damn, they’d traveled together for almost a year, and he couldn’t imagine his life before her. Before Nora he’d stay up all night, pouring over files alone in his office. Ellie would try to drag him out, get him to do things not-work related, but it didn’t work.

 

Now, he and Nora went places. Often they were business of some sort, either Detective jobs, aiding settlements, or railroad help, but it was more varied than prior. The nights, though, they’d talk. They’d visit bars and restaurants, eat with friends. Before her he didn’t have friends, none except Ellie. He had a life now, something he never thought he’d really get.

 

How’d he get so lucky? Hell, after the life he’d had, he’d more than given up hopes of finding a dame like her. She was brave, and funny, and feisty. She was good, wanted to help people, just like him. Not that he’d ever tell her any of that.

 

Even though she’d cast him sidelong glances he understood, ones filled with desire and longing, he hadn’t broached that. He was old, and even if she technically had some age on her, he still saw her like a kid. A very pretty kid, but too young to be saddled with an old synth like him.

 

A pain seared through his temples, something he’d never felt before. He didn’t get headaches, didn’t get pain like this.

 

His hands grasped the desk, but before he could say anything, the world went dark.

 

#

 

“I think maybe it’s the business associate, Greg, the one who wants to buy out the flower shop.” Nora flipped another page. “He could have killed her, and then he wouldn’t have to worry about any other bids.”

 

Nick didn’t answer, so Nora turned over.

 

He sat in the chair, staring off into space, eyes unfocused.

 

“Nick?”  

 

No answer.

 

She leapt off the bed, the book falling to the floor, forgotten. Nora placed fingers on his neck to check for a pulse. “Stupid. He doesn’t have a pulse.” She cupped his cheeks. “Hey, Nicky, you okay there?”

 

He blinked, slowly, then once more. The ridges of his eyebrows drew together, his gaze focusing on her. His eyes then widened, and his metal hand came forward, closing around her throat.

 

Nora tried to leap back but he held onto her, grip tight. Damnit, she forgot how strong he was. The Gen3’s were made to replicate humans, but the Gen2’s hadn’t been made to fit in. He put a human’s strength to shame. She gasped, desperate for air, panicking, but nothing came of it. Her hands wrapped around his wrist, nails biting into the metal, but she could do nothing to make him move or release her.

 

His mouth moved but nothing came out at first. Frustration painted his features and he threw her down. She slid back, hitting the wall. Her shoulder screamed in pain, but she only let out a whimper. He looked at his hands like he’d never seen them before, then stood.

 

Nora dove for her pistol on the side table, then held it out at him. Would she shoot him? She had no fucking idea, but it made her feel more in control. “What the hell are you doing, Nick?” Her voice lumbered from her throat, raspy, hurting. Fuck, it hurt to talk. “What is wrong with you?”

 

He turned around and slammed his fist into the wall, shaking the entire frame of the house.

 

He faced her and pointed a finger at her. “What the fuck did you do to me?”

 

That wasn’t Nick’s voice, it was Kellogg’s.


	2. Chapter 2

Kellogg faced the woman who had killed him, his brain trying to catch up to that moment. He remembered her tearing through his synths, the fight where she’d ended him with a bullet between his eyes. What was her name? Nora. Yeah, that was it.

 

He reached up and touched his face, the spot the bullet had entered, the metal of that damned skeleton hand scratching whatever pretended to be skin on this body.

 

“Kellogg?” Her arm quaked as she held the pistol. Yeah, that was the face of a woman who wasn’t pulling the trigger.

 

“What did you do?” He took a step forward, but her arm straightened, so he stilled.

 

“The mnemonic impression. You’re still in there?” She took a step toward him, then stopped.

 

“The mnem-fuck what?” He stared off. “My memories. I remember that, you were in my fucking memories.”

 

Him as a kid, with his mom, when she’d given him his first gun. Later, with Sarah and Mary. Fuck, he hated thinking about them. He’d shoved those memories down into the tiniest, blackest pit in his stomach he could, drowned them in work and whiskey. She’d seen the whole damned shit-show.

 

“Get the hell out of Nick’s head.”

 

“You think I want to be in here? Look, sweetheart, I was happy as fuck being dead and then I wake up here. Where the fuck am I anyway?” His metal hand told him, didn’t it? He remembered this moron from the fight, following her around like a puppy. “I’m in that fucking gen 2, aren’t I? The one with the stupid hat and coat? Great, I get stuck in a gen 2 and it has to be this fucked-up prototype.”

 

“You don’t like it? Then get out of him!”

 

“Yeah, sure, no problem. I’m sure you can just remove yourself from your body. Simple, yeah?”

 

Nora glared daggers, and he thought, maybe this body wasn’t so bad. She wasn’t gonna shoot him inside the body of her friend, or whatever the fuck they were to each other. “Come on, we’re headed to Goodneighbor.”

 

“Why would I go there?”

 

“So Amari can rip you out of that body.”

 

 “Point out a door, cupcake, and I’ll take it. I didn’t exactly plan on spending my afterlife rattling around in the brain of some Institute thow-away do-gooer.”

 

He stumbled, grabbing the chair to his left for balance. “Stupid fucker isn’t even built right,” he muttered before he collapsed on the ground.

 

#

 

Nora shook Nick’s arm, praying he was alright. She didn’t pray much anymore, since the end of the world sort of shook any faith she might have had, but when situations are dire enough, you shoot for the fences.

 

“Nick, wake up, come on.”

 

His eyes flicked on, yellow. “Doll?”

 

She rested her forehead against his, dragging in deep breaths of air. Nothing had sounded better than Nick’s voice right then.

 

“What happened. You okay?” He moved her back as he sat up. “I shut down or something?”

 

She froze, not sure what to tell him. He didn’t remember? Had no idea? But she couldn’t not tell him. “Nick, we need to get to Dr. Amari, right now.”

 

“Guess I’ve never had that happened before, so maybe it’s a good idea.”

 

She shook her head. “No, you don’t understand. Kellogg, he’s still there.” She tapped a finger against his temple. “He’s still in your head. We need to get Amari to find a way to yank him out.”

 

He frowned, but then his eyes focused on her throat.  He lifted his metal hand, like examining if they’d match. Of course they would. “Oh, damn. What did I do?”

 

“It wasn’t you, it was him. He seemed disoriented, didn’t know where he was, what happened.”

 

“Why didn’t you shoot me?”

 

“Because I’d never shoot you.” What a stupid question. If Nick thought for a moment she could kill him, he had no idea what he meant to her.

 

“He manhandles you again, you shoot, darling. You know better than to let something like a bit of fondness risk your life.”

 

But she knew she wouldn’t. She couldn’t live with herself if she had to kill him, if she had to keep going alone, after being the one to end him. Still, because she knew he’d argue, she only nodded.

 

“Good, now let’s get to Goodneighbor.”

 

#

 

Nick sat in the chair while Dr. Amari ran her tests. Nora had fallen asleep on the couch, arms folded on the arm rest, head on them. She’d pulled her hair up, which showed the darkening bruises at her throat.

 

He stared down at his hand again. It didn’t feel like his, anymore. Now it sat there, a weapon used against Nora, against the only person who really mattered to him anymore. He wanted to take a saw and remove the thing, to throw it at her feet as an apology.

 

How could Kellogg be in his head? He struggled to find memories of what had happened, but nothing showed, just lost time, like he’d been entirely powered down. Nick wasn’t keen on dying, but he couldn’t let Kellogg have his body, either. What that old mercenary would do with it made him shudder.

 

“Mr. Valentine?”

 

Nora jolted up at Dr. Amari’s voice. She rubbed her eyes but stumbled over to where Nick sat. “I’m up. I’m here. What’s the news?”

 

Nick smiled. Then he spotted those damned bruises again, and the smile slid away.

 

“I’m sorry, but right now, I see no way to separate Kellogg from Valentine.”

 

“What do you mean? Just rip it out. You ever done any gardening? Grab him by the roots and yank.” Nora straightened her back, the look that told Nick she was read to fight.

 

“Ignoring the fact that we’re talking about brains and not gardening, that isn’t possible. I’m going to continue to work on this, but right now, the two personalities code are intertwined. I have no way to remove Kellogg while keeping Mr. Valentine’s personality whole. If I were to try, I’d likely fragment Valentine and he would be dead anyway.”

 

“So do it.” Nick’s answer came out soft.

 

“What? No. In fact, fuck no.” Nora's mouth always made him cringe, though he'd grown used to it.

 

“Come on, Doll. I can’t let Kellogg run around in my body. You spent a few minutes with him and look what he did to you. No, this is the way it has to be. If she can save me, great. If not? Well, I’ve lived a lot longer than I probably should have.”

 

Before Nora could argue, Dr. Amari chimed in. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. I am still a doctor, and I do not work on patients who have little chance of living through the procedure. I have my own ethics. Give me some time. I will talk with Tinker Tom and try to find a way to remove him while preserving you.”

 

“Thank God someone has some sense,” Nora muttered before storming out of the Memory Den.

 

Nick chased her all the way to her room inside The Statehouse, the one Hancock let them use whenever they were in town.

 

“Doll, what’s the matter?”

 

“What’s the matter? Really? You were wanting to give in!” She shoved his shoulders, and he took a step back.

 

Nora rarely unloaded on him, but she had a temper that could slip when pushed far enough.

 

“I wasn’t giving in, I was being realistic. I can’t let Kellogg use me. Do you think I can live with that? That I could ever forgive myself if he hurt people with my hands? Hell, Doll, he hurt you with my hands.” Nick sat down on the foot of the bed, then dropped his head into those hands.

 

“I’ll watch him, okay? I won’t leave you for a second, I’ll make sure he doesn’t do anything to anyone.”

 

“And what about you? What if I wake up from one of these times standing over your body? How do you think I’m going to recover from that?”

 

Nora set her forehead against the top of his hat. “I swear, I won’t let that happen. Trust me, please. We’ll wait this out and Amari and Tom will find an answer. When they do, we’ll scrape that asshole out of your head and burn whatever is left of him, okay? Just trust me.”

 

Nick sighed, until that pain lanced through his temples again, faster. He wanted to shove Nora back, to warn her, but none of that was possible.

 

Kellogg was back.


	3. Chapter 3

 

Kellogg came to, head in his hands, someone’s breath blowing across his nose. It was easier to wake up this time, like filling in spaces he sort of recognized. The world settled around him, each tiny bit of information sliding together.

 

Nora crowded him, leaning against him. It had been a long fucking time since he’d had a woman against him, and none of them had been like her. They’d been quick fucks in filthy inns, just bodies and release. Her head rested against his hat, lips so close he could lean up and capture them. She stood between his thighs, hands on his shoulders. The position was way too close for just friends.

 

“So, you and the robot are fucking?”

 

She gasped and pulled away, stumbling backward. The bruises at her throat stood out against her pale skin. “Kellogg?”

 

He didn’t answer, because he knew it was obvious. The only thing about him that came out in this body was his voice. The room had him frowning, but the buildings outside, those he knew. “We’re in Goodneighbor? What did your doctor have to say?”

 

“She said there’s no way to pull you out right now, not without risking Nick.”

 

“And you wouldn’t dare risk your sexbot, would you?”

 

“Don’t call him that.”

 

Kellogg tilted his head. The woman had a flush over her cheeks, her face masked in something between indignation and embarrassment. So the girl wasn’t having sex with the synth, but she sure as fuck wanted to. Wasn’t that some shit, there? Angst and unrequited love moved the world like real love never could, because people were fucked. They hurt each other, and the only thing that got them moving was pain. Happiness left them stagnant. He laughed and shook his head. “So where does that put us, then?”

 

“Nick wants them to do the procedure anyway, even if it kills him.”

 

“Course he does. He’s the martyr type, willing to die for what he believes in. Is that what gets you off? A man willing to give up anything to do what’s right?”

 

“Shut up. You don’t know anything about him or me”

 

He didn’t call her on the lie. He knew more than she realized, picked them up because she was damned easy to read. She bled tells, her face one open expression after another. “So why am I still here?”

 

She stood straight, pulling her shoulders back. “Because I’m not about to let him get killed because of you. You’ve taken a hell of a lot from me already, you’re not taking him as well.”

 

Fuck, she was pretty. She wasn’t sultry, not like Magnolia, the lounge singer in the Third Rail. She wasn’t some trophy to show off, all curves and flawless skin. No, the girl was nothing but determination wrapped in a beat-up package, a hell of a lot like himself.  

 

“So, again, where does that put us?”

 

“Amari is working on it, that’s all I can say. Until then, you need to behave yourself.”

 

He stood, then walk up to her. She backed away until the wall would let her go no further, so he crowded her. “Or what? One thing I managed in my line of work is to read people, and you aren’t about to shoot me. You’re in love with this rust-bucket I’m living inside, so you won’t do a damned thing to me as long as I’m here.”

 

She tilted her head up, and he realized how damn short she was. When she’d waded through his synths, when she’d been throwing grenades at him, he’d missed it. Now, though, the difference was obvious. “I don’t want to kill Nick, but that doesn’t mean I won’t kick your ass if you get out of line.”

 

He smiled when she didn’t deny being in love with the synth.

 

“Look, Kellogg, I’m not asking you to go rescue orphans and feed puppies, I’m just asking you just try not to be a dick for a while.”

 

“Being a dick is sort of my thing, though. What do I get out of this little arrangement you’ve concocted?”

 

“What do you want?”

 

What did he want? He hadn’t thought such a question in such a long time. His life had been one need chasing into another. Help his mom, protect his family, get revenge, then just survive. Dying had spiraled all those plans and needs away, so what did he want? “I want a body. When this is over, if your specialist manages to drag me out of this body, I want to be transferred into another.”

 

“So you can go off and do whatever you want? Fuck you, that isn’t happening.”

 

“I think it is. I mean, right now, I’m looking at just dying when you figure out how to remove me, so what use is there in cooperating? I could just try to run, take my chances, or hell, I could blow this pretty skull apart because it’s where I’m headed anyway. You want that? For me to take out myself and Nick? You want to negotiate, you’ve got to offer me something. You’ve got to give me a reason to do shit that you say.” He set his hands on each side of her head, palms against the wall, fingers spread. Damn, she looked small beside him.

 

“Fine. You listen, don’t cause problems, no raping and pillaging, and I’ll tell Dr. Amari that the plan is to transfer you.”

 

He released a huff at ‘raping and pillaging.’ She sure had a low opinion of him, and he told himself not to care. Why did it matter what some useless vault dweller thought of him? “How do I know you’ll follow through.”

 

“You don’t, but that’s part of the risk, right? It’s not like you have a lot of other promising options at the moment.”

 

“So, partners then?”

 

“Not even a little. I don’t trust you, and I’ll keep you on a short damned leash while you’re awake. Try anything and maybe I’ll just chain you up and wait for Amari to figure something out. And understand this, after this is all over, if it works, and you’re in some new body, I intend to track you down and kill you again. I can’t wait to make you pay a second time for everything you’ve done.”

 

Kellogg leaned in until his face was inches from hers. “I’m looking forward to it, cupcake.”


	4. Chapter 4

Nora crossed her arms, staring at Kellogg. They’d made it back to Homeplate, the two switching a few times between the trip. The changes seemed random, though they lasted longer as time went on, with Kellogg appearing more often and remaining in control longer. Neither had any memory of what happened when the other was in control, and neither could help when the switches happened.

 

Kellogg hadn’t chatted much, mostly complaining about Nick’s body. It seemed the merc was more vain than she’d have expected. At least he'd followed his side of the deal, keeping out of trouble and mostly following her requests, even if he smarted off to them.

 

“So you moved into Home Plate, huh? Not a fan of the central location, but the space is nice.”

 

“I saw the shack you lived in. Even saw that hidden room you had.”

 

“Great. You bring any of my shit here?”

 

“Nope. I burned it all.”

 

He laughed, his voice deep and raspy. “You’ve got a mean streak, sweetheart.”

 

Kellogg took off the coat and tossed it on the couch. His fingers went to the buttons of his shirt.

 

“What are you doing?” Nora’s words came out drenched in alarm.

 

He grinned, not slowing as he worked each button free. “I hate this outfit, you know that? Stupid damned synth wants to walk around looking like a fool, well that’s his choice, but while I’m here? We’re going to dress like an adult, not a shitty novel cover.”

 

Nora tore her gaze away, turning her back on him. “What are you going to put on instead? It’s not like Nick has extra clothing.”

 

“I don’t know. Figured you’d find me something. Less you want me walking around naked.”

 

She hurried to the chest where she kept extra items. Without looking, she knew only one thing would work. She didn’t keep much men’s clothing around. Most of her friends had their own gear, so keeping extra sets of men’s jeans seemed foolish. The one piece she had was too fitting. It made her wonder about karma and divine plans.

 

She walked over to him, backward to keep her eyes averted, then held out the piece.

 

His hand closed around her wrist and tugged so she spun to face him, but she kept her eyes on his face.

 

“You saved my outfit? Does that mean you stripped me down? Get a good eyeful?”

 

“I wanted a souvenir. Digging pieces out of your skull wasn’t good enough.”

 

“I love that vicious streak you’ve got. Bet Nick doesn’t appreciate it.” He laughed, but wouldn’t release her wrist. “You can look, you know.”

 

“What?”

 

“I can read you, cupcake. I know you want Nick, and I’m gonna guess he never gives you the time a day. Probably that same martyr complex we talked about already. I ain’t shy, especially with someone else’s body. Go on, look your fill.”

 

Nora shook her head, eyes wide. It felt wrong, an invasion of privacy. Nick had set up boundaries between them a long time ago and she wasn’t about to cross them. Was she curious? Of course. That part of her wanted nothing but to soak in every detail of the synth. But this wasn’t Nick, and she wouldn’t do that. “No.”

 

Kellogg leaned in, lips against her ear, hot breath caressing as he whispered to her. “You sure about that? I can hear that hitch in your voice, see that shiver in your skin. You want to look so bad you can fucking taste it, right? It would be just between us. I mean, if he hasn’t let you into his pants yet, you really think he’s ever gonna?”

 

She realized then that it wasn’t just Nick, it wasn’t the memories, the months of empty wanting. Kellogg’s voice, all rasp and sarcasm ran up her spine, drawing her closer.

 

Nora tried to yank away again, tried to get away from him, away from whatever madness was going on in her head, but nothing happened. She couldn’t dislodge his grip.

 

#

 

Nick came to, his hand wrapped around Nora’s wrist. He pulled his mouth back from her ear, realizing too late he was naked. He yanked away, and at least Nora had the decency to spin, giving her his back.

 

“Why am I naked?”  He grabbed his pants on the floor and pulled them on, buttoning them as fast he could manage.

 

“Because Kellogg wasn’t a fan of your style.”

 

“You’re supposed to keep him from doing things like this.”

 

“I can keep him from killing people, but what do you want me to do when he starts taking your clothes off? Fuck, even I have my limitations, Nick.”

 

“Did he. . . do anything?” Nick shoved down the hole in his gut when he considered his hand wrapped around her wrist, his lips so close to her ear he could have darted a tongue out to touch it. In all his worries, he hadn’t thought about this. Why hadn’t it occurred to him?

 

Because he refused to think of Nora like that.

 

“Other than complain about clothing? No.” Still, her words caught. Not a lie, but not the complete truth, either.

 

“Sorry, darling.” Nick fumbled with the buttons to his shirt.

 

Nora turned, red over her cheeks. Her gaze darted to the area of his chest still revealed, then jerked away. “Not your fault. Not to mention, we’ve been friends a long time. Seeing you naked isn’t exactly the most traumatic thing I’ve been through.”

 

“Maybe not, but it still isn’t something that should happen. I know we agreed to let this ride, but what if he does something to you? Waking up naked and holding you wasn’t something I was expecting. Not all together reassuring.” He refused to look at her as he spoke, instead studying his fingers as he worked on the final buttons.

 

“Trust me, I can take care of myself. I’m sorry, though. I feel like I invaded your privacy, even though I didn’t really see. . . anything.”

 

Nick laughed. “Way to wound a man’s pride, Doll.”

 

“I didn’t mean it like that. I meant I kept my eyes averted. You know, like a gentleman.” She grinned through the blush.

 

“Well, I’m not about to blame you for Kellogg getting me naked. A body is a body, and a bit of wounded pride is a small price to pay. So long as you’re safe, I don’t much care about anything else.” The words, like most things, had some truth in them. He wasn’t itching to let her see him without clothing, but he couldn’t blame her for what Kellogg did, either. The girl was doing what she could, and unless she planned on strapping them down somewhere, they’d both have to put up with Kellogg’s antics.

 

As long as she wasn’t harmed, anything else he could deal with. Anything else they could work through.

 

At least, that’s what he thought, until he caught the way her eyes lingered on him, the way they drifted down the lines of his body, settling on his groin.

 

He cleared his throat. “I’m, um, going to take a smoke break.” Then he ran away, like a coward.

 

Maybe this would be more complicated than he’d expected.


	5. Chapter 5

 

Kellogg flicked the playing cards across the ground, into the fire. He’d found the box in an old store they’d cleared, and even through one of Nick’s appearances, they’d lasted.

 

Nora stirred something in a pot on the fire. Not eating felt strange, the lack of that basic need, let alone desire. The smell didn’t even elicit a response from him. This damned body was useless.

 

“You going to tell me where we’re going?” He tossed another and it flew into her food.

 

She sighed, loud enough it had to be for effect, and plucked the card out. “Some of us have lives and things to do.”

 

“Some of us used to have lives until others of us shot some of us in the head.”

 

“I shot you in the head because you stole my child and murdered my husband.”

 

“Nice to know you get to live in a simple world where shit is black and white. Guess I missed all those people you’ve killed. You think you haven’t made widows? Haven’t left kids without mothers? Because even if you decide you’re on the good side, you’ve left a trail of blood, cupcake.” He tried to keep his tone casual, like it didn’t mean a thing to him. No way he succeeded though, bitterness dripped through his voice like fucking rainwater.

 

Yeah, he’d screwed up, but if she thought he was that much worse than her, she was kidding herself. Her high road was a fucking muddy ditch.

 

 Nora was up and off the rock before he could react. She dove at him, shoving him backward, off the crate he sat on, and into the dirt.

 

His body slammed down, her straddling him and holding him by his shirt, nothing but anger.

 

“What are you going to do, huh? You want to shoot me? Go ahead.” He leaned up, lifting his head to mock her. He knew damned well she wasn’t going to shoot him.

 

She shoved back on his chest so he hit the ground again. He’d have one hell of a headache if he were human. “Don’t try to turn this around. I saw your memories, I know what you went through. You did that same fucking thing to me! You killed my husband.”

 

“I saved your husband. You think he wanted to wake up knowing he failed his family? I’ve done that shit and it isn’t worth it. I put a bullet through him because it was a hell of a lot kinder than leaving him alive.”

 

He reached up and wrapped a hand behind her neck, then yanked her down. She was nothing against the strength of this body. He pulled her into a kiss, pressed his tongue against her lips, desperate to feel something from her. Fuck, she was the other half to him. Nothing but ice, frozen from all the shit you had to do to survive, someone who’d lived way longer than they should have. He didn’t love her, but he damn well wanted her.

 

He broke the kiss but kept her against him. “You know you want this.”

 

“I hate you.”

 

“Yeah, I hate you, too. Doesn’t mean I can’t fuck you and we’ll both enjoy it. It’ll be as close as you ever get to fucking Nick, you know.” He set a hand on her hip and ground himself into her, wanting her to feel him, to know he meant every word.

 

“Let me go.”

 

He released her, sitting up as she tripped trying to get away. Her face might have read panic but she couldn’t hide it all from him. Lust was written there, too. “Isn’t that hilarious? After everything I’ve done to you, everything you’ve done to me, you actually want to fuck me.”

 

“I want Nick.”

 

“Well you ain’t getting Nick. All you can have is me.”

 

“I don't want you.”

 

“Does saying it make you believe that bullshit? Because I can spot a lie a hell of a ways away, and that is one hell of a lie.” Kellogg spread his legs, cocking an eyebrow up at the invitation.

 

Her gaze caught between his legs and he laughed.

 

“You see? You want me.”

 

“Nick.”

 

“What the fuck is the difference? But, fine, play this game. I told you, I can read people. You’ll come begging.”

 

Nora pointed a finger at him. “Touch me again, and I’ll make you regret it.”

 

“You destroyed my whole life, killed me, invaded my memories, then got me stuck in this metal cage. I don’t think you can do a hell of a lot worse than that.” He stormed into the shack, sitting in the corner and leaning his head back.

 

Fuck her.

 

#

 

Nick came too, his body sitting in a building, back against a wall. Nora’s soft gasp filled the space.

 

He frowned, eyes searching for her. She laid on her mattress beside him, shoulders shaking.

 

He set his hand on her arm, a gentle touch to comfort her.

 

 She yanked away. “I said don’t touch me!” She pulled her gun and set it against his temple, eyes swollen and red.

 

“It’s just me, Doll.”

 

The gun clattered to the floor, and she all but collapsed down. “Sorry, Nick. I thought. . .”

 

“Thought it was him?”

 

She nodded and rolled back over, back to him again. That soft gasp escaped again, the shuttering of breath when you aren’t quite done crying.

 

He’d never been so helpless. He couldn’t even remember what had happened to hurt her, what he’d done. Not him, Kellogg, but was there really a difference? It was his body, his fault.

 

“What happened?”

 

“He’s just an asshole.”

 

“You’ve dealt with a lot of those, never seen you cry because of one of them.”

 

“I’ve never not been able to shoot them, either.” Her arms wrapped around herself, knees drawling up, curling into a ball.

 

“We need to stop this. I can’t wake up to you crying. I can’t take it, Doll. He gets to you, digs you apart, and I can’t watch it. If Amari can’t do this, then we need to find someone else to watch me, or chain me up, or whatever it takes.”

 

The tremors in her stopped, her breathing evening out, like she forced it to. She shook her head. “No. I won’t let him get to me anymore, I promise. I just wasn’t ready to deal with him. It’s fine.”

 

#

 

Nora closed her eyes against the night, against all the things Kellogg had said, against the truth of so many of them. Maybe that’s why she hated him, at the end of the day. Nick was who she wanted to be, but Kellogg was who she was turning into.

 

But she wouldn’t let it tear down Nick. He deserved better than that.

 

Which meant she had to suck it up.

 

Nick could never know anything that happened when Kellogg was in control.  

 

Especially if Kellogg was right about where they were headed. . .

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

Nora woke up mid-gasp, sweat pooled beneath her. She shut her eyes, trying to shove away the memory.

 

“That a good gasp, or a bad one?” Kellogg’s voice floated through the darkness.

 

Nora dropped her head into her hands. Why couldn’t it have been Nick? Nick would have patted her back and told her it would be okay. He’d have run his fingers through her hair as she drifted off to sleep, again, promised to keep the bad dreams at bay.

 

“So, bad gasp, then?”

 

The bed groaned beneath his weight, and Nora tried to leap off. His hand closed around her arm. She brought her elbow over, but when it connected with his ribs nothing happened.

 

Right, synth.

 

He made an annoyed grunt, and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “Would you settle down? I’m just trying to help.”

 

“By manhandling me?”

 

“This isn’t manhandling. What would the synth have done if you woke up crying from a dream, huh? Bet you anything he’d have done this, so why are you scratching at me?”

 

“Because you aren’t him.”

 

“Might as well be. Shut up, Nora, and just take some damned kindness, would you?”

 

She frowned, but stopped struggling. Not like it had made a difference. Nick’s body was incredibly strong. “Why are you being nice to me?”

 

“Because, believe it or not, as much of an asshole as I am, I have a soft spot for women when they’re crying.”

 

“I’m not crying.”

 

He lifted his metal hand and caught a tear. He held it in front of her, but said nothing about it. “Nightmares?”

 

“Shut up, Kellogg.”

 

“You could call me Conrad.”

 

“I could call you asshole.”

 

“Kellogg’s fine.” He shuffled them back so they leaned against the wall, legs spread out across the bed, her body against his side, his arm over her shoulders.

 

She’d never admit it, but it felt. . . nice. Maybe because Nick had such strict lines, things that were okay, things that were not, she always felt like she was walking a minefield, always avoiding things he didn’t want. With Kellogg, there was no future, no hopes, nothing but right then.

 

“Tell me about him?”

 

She shook her head. She didn’t want to think about Nate, about how much she missed him, about all the years they’d had stolen. And she sure as fuck didn’t want to tell Kellogg anything about him. “You don’t deserve to know a thing about my husband.”

 

Kellogg laughed and shook his head. “No, not him. Your husband is history and history bores me. Tell me about Nick. We’re stuck together for a while; I might as well know who I’m hitchhiking with.”

 

“He’s good. He wants to help people, to make the world a better place.”

 

“And what’s up with the two of you?”

 

“Why would I ever tell you that?”

 

“Because you don’t need to. I told you, I can read people. Let me tell you what I see. I see a damn pretty woman lusting after a tin man who isn’t reciprocating.” Kellogg placed a hand on her thigh. “And you spend your time trying to be what you think he wants you to be, all the while pining after him when he won’t give you anything back but friendship. How am I doing, huh?”

 

#

 

Nora’s lips thinned, a white hue coloring them as she tried to ignore him. Yeah, he’d hit the right spot. It didn’t take a genius to see the problem. The girl was madly in love with someone who didn’t love her back, at least not the way she wanted, the way she needed.

 

“Some people are blind, you know that? Can’t see what’s right in front of them. I’m gonna bet he’s too busy trying to save the world and right wrongs to notice you. Hell, he’s probably clutching old guilt so tight he’s got no hands to grab you with. I’ve known a lot like that and they never get it, never figure out that all you got is today.” He expected Nora to yank away, to yell at him, but she did none of it. She curled into his side and sighed, like his words weren’t unexpected or news, but depressing all the same.

 

Nick was an idiot.

 

He rubbed that hand on her thigh higher, walking his fingers along her skin in slow circles. She tensed, but didn’t move. “You want me to stop?”

 

“Yes.”

 

He laughed but continued the movement. “Why? Look at you, all wound up. I could help, you know. Why suffer for no damned good reason when I’m right here?”

 

“Because you’re right here. It isn’t,” she paused, like she couldn’t find the right word. “It isn’t right.”

 

“Fuck right. You didn’t shoot me because it was right, you shot me because you wanted to. Because it felt good. So why not use me because it feels good, too?” His hand moved until it was at the crease of her hip, so close that moving one finger would touch her pussy. He didn’t, though, he waited, drug it out.

 

“What if Nick comes back?”

 

He laughed, having almost forgotten the idiot. “What if Nick comes to and he’s fucking you? Well, maybe that’ll finally get through his thick skull, huh?”

 

“So you’re just being selfless? Just taking one for the team?”

 

“Not even close. I don’t give a fuck about Nick, I just wouldn’t ignore an opportunity to slide inside you, cupcake.”

 

He spread his fingers so the side of his pinky rubbed against her slit through her clothing. She sucked in a breath, sharp, body going to stiff.

 

“Shit, it’s been that long? A tiny touch and you’re already on edge. I could get you off in under a minute, you know that?” He leaned in, against her ear, pressing a kiss to it. “Just let me. You’ll feel a fucking lot better afterward. Forget about that stupid synth and take what you want for once.”

 

And he’d pressed too far. He knew it when her back straightened. Yeah, there she went. She pulled away from him and he let her go.

 

“No. I wouldn’t take advantage of Nick that way, and I wouldn’t let you touch me.”

 

“Still trying to play the good guy? There are no good guys anymore. You don’t believe me about him? Go ahead, throw yourself at him, see what happens, because I can promise you he won’t be nearly as willing as I am.” Kellogg cupped his groin and adjusted the erection that demanded attention. “And let me tell you, I’m pretty fucking willing.”

 

Her eyes locked on the motion, tongue darting out to wet her lips. Yeah, she could deny it all she wanted, but she needed this, needed him. Even if Nick made a move, he’d never give the girl what she really wanted. The synth was too busy with himself.

 

“Well well, think of the devil and here he comes.” Kellogg groaned at the pain that lanced through his temples before everything went black.


	7. Chapter 7

Waking up had become normal to Nick, though he still hated it. That moment of wondering where he was, what he’d done, it reminded him of being a young man waking after a bender. Of course, back then, he hadn’t been worried he might have hurt someone.

 

Nora stood in front of him, and just seeing her helped him relax. As long as she was alright, nothing else much mattered. “Hey, Doll.”

 

“Hey, Nick.” Her voice came out small.

 

“Everything okay?” Nick gazed down at his hand and realized it cupped a rather obvious erection. Nora’s gaze told him she’d noticed, so all he did was grab a blanket and pull it over his lap. “Sorry about that.”

 

“What do you think of me?”

 

He frowned. “What are you talking about?”

 

“Do you like me.”

 

“Course I like you. Wouldn’t follow you all over the Commonwealth if I didn’t.”

 

“No.” Nora crawled onto the bed and into his lap. “I mean do you like me? Do you want me? Because sometimes I catch you looking at me and I think you do. Then you push me away, you keep me at an arm’s length, like you don’t want me. So, do you want me? Am I imagining it all? I can’t do this maybe you do, maybe you don’t thing anymore.”

 

Ah hell. She pressed against his hardness, and he had to grasp her hips to keep her still. The friction alone made it hard to think, to form a response. How many times had he imagined her like this? Too many, that’s how many. “What’s gotten into your head?”

 

“Nothing. I just need to know. I can’t keep wondering.”

 

His hands tightened around her waist until he forced himself to ease the grip. She didn’t need bruises from him. “We aren’t like that, darling. You know that.”

 

“Why not? Do you not want me?”

 

“It’s not like that. You’re damn pretty, you know that.”

 

“So what is it?”

 

“You’re. . . you’re too young.”

 

“I’m as old as the original Nick was, making me older than you.”

 

“But not really. You were young and then you were frozen and now you’re still young. And I’m not young; I’m broken-down. We were never gonna work out, not like that. It’s why I never made a move, because it wasn’t gonna happen.”

 

She frowned, gaze falling between them, at his lap, at the erection that hadn’t gone down in the least. There was no way she couldn’t feel him. “You want me; I know you do.”

 

“I’m still a man.” He frowned. “Well, sort of, at least. A dame in my lap will get this reaction. I’ve got enough respect and self-control not to act on it, though.” He pulled her out of his lap and set her on the bed beside him, groaning when the contact against his groin went away. “This isn’t a good idea. We’re friends, that’s it.”

 

“What if I want more?”

 

“Then you’re gonna have to look for it somewhere else, because it can’t be me.”

 

“What if I don’t want to look anywhere else? Nick, you mean everything to me.”

 

“And you mean a lot to me, Doll. That’s why I’m saying no, because you deserve a lot better. Now I don’t want you thinking about this anymore, okay?”

 

She looked down at her pipboy, like she couldn’t meet his gaze. She sniffed once. “It’s almost morning. I’m going to take a walk.”

 

“I’ll come with.”

 

She lifted her hand. “No. I need to take a walk by myself.”

 

Nick sighed, sticking his hands into his pockets. He couldn’t blame her, really. No one wanted to shut down, not like that. Still, it was a hell of a lot less painful to shut her down now rather than let her live with the delusion they’d become something. “Yeah, alright. Just, don’t go far?”

 

She said nothing as she walked out the door.

 

Well, that could have gone better.

 

#

 

Nora had ignored Nick most of the day. There wasn’t a lot to do, mostly running around and checking on settlements.

 

“We’re still walking?” Kellogg’s raspy voice greeted her, and Nora found herself relaxing.

 

Wasn’t that absurd? She was glad to have Kellogg there instead of Nick, because Nick was complicated. Nick had rejected her and Kellogg seemed to want nothing but more of her. Even if she couldn’t follow through, something about that made her glad to hear him.

 

Not that she’d admit it. “Suck it up, cupcake.”

 

He growled at her, but she grinned over her shoulder at him.

 

Their switches seemed more predictable now, happening every eight hours or so. The thing was, Kellogg’s time seemed to grow, where Nick’s shortened. It had only happened a few times, so Nora wasn’t ready to worry yet.

 

“Saving more villagers?”

 

“Settlers, and yes. Oberland Station is having Super Mutant problems.”

 

“Everyone is having super mutant problems. Why exactly is that our problem?”

 

“Because it’s my settlement.”

 

He jogged to catch up, so he was in step with her. “You seem mad. I’m going to guess Nick hasn’t taken care of anything.”

 

She turned her face to hide any reaction. “Could we, just, not? Please? I don’t want to fight with you today.”

 

He sighed. “Yeah, sure. Sorry.”

 

They walked another twenty minutes in silence, until he grabbed her by the arm and yanked her against him.

 

Nora got ready to yell, but his hand wrapped around her mouth. “Quiet,” he hissed.

 

“I hear something!” The bellow of a super mutant had her freezing. When she stilled, he released her.

 

“Give me a gun.”

 

“Like hell. I’ll handle it.” Nora pulled her own pistol, ignoring the way Kellogg glared. She wasn’t about to arm him. He’d shoot her as fast as he’d shoot a super mutant. She might be reckless, but she wasn’t stupid.

 

Two super mutants lumbered around the corner. Just two? It was almost insulting. She took aim, slow, wanting to down the two before they knew what happened. Nora snorted at the ease.

 

Until a mutant hound snarled from her left, then leapt.

 

She crashed to the ground beneath its weight.


	8. Chapter 8

Kellogg brushed Nora’s hair from her face.

 

She’d live, though she’d have a hell of a headache. He considered dosing her with med-x to ease the pain, but she’d shoot him out of spite if he drugged her.

 

They’d gotten lucky. The hound had taken a chunk out of her arm, but the strength and speed of the gen2 body proved no match for the beast. Then it had only taken grabbing the pistol from her grip to end the two super mutants. Kellogg’s aim was still spot on, fuck, if anything it was better.

 

Then he had to carry her ass to the settlement, of course. He tried to pretend it had been an annoyance, that the warmth against his chest, her body in his arms, had been a bother. A lump on the side of her head told him why she’d lost consciousness.

 

If he hadn’t been there, she’d have died. The hound would have torn her apart if the super mutants hadn’t reached her first.

 

The thought struck him harder than he expected. People died out there, and Nora wasn’t a person he’d shed any tears over, but still, he couldn’t shake the tightness in his chest. To think she’d been that close, all from a damned hound?

 

He shook his head and stroked his fingers along her cheek. She looked different when she was out. The tension she carried in her floated away. All that attitude she carried, the determination, it eased off until nothing but her remained. She looked younger. Fuck, how old was she?

 

He tried to think back to the records. He hadn’t really cared at the time. Discounting the whole frozen thing, she couldn’t be more than 23, 24?

 

Way too fucking young for him, that was sure.

 

Her eyebrows drew together, and she pulled away from the hand. “Don’t touch me,” she muttered, still mostly out.

 

“Hey, it’s me.” He frowned. What a stupid thing to say. She knew it was him, that’s why she was pulling away.

 

“Conrad?”

 

Fuck, his name sounded good on her lips. “Yeah, cupcake. It’s me.”

 

She moved closer, then, seeking that hand. What the hell? He tried not to question it, just offering the touch, glad to see the way she floated back into unconsciousness. Kellogg ran the hand against her cheek, over her jawline, down the thin column of her neck.

 

He took it away, and she frowned, inching toward him. She was like a fucking cat. He laughed and got comfortable, going back to the gentle caresses that seemed to ease her. “Demanding thing, aren’t you?”

 

She shifted until her head rested in his lap, then eased back into a deeper sleep.

 

He ignored the discomfort in his chest as he watched her sleep.

 

#

 

Nora woke, head throbbing. She tried to press her hands to her temples, but one refused to move. “Ah, fuck.”

 

“Easy now. That arm isn’t gonna do much good for a few days.”

 

Nora cracked her eyes open. The arm had bandages wrapped around it, and a sling keeping it against her side. “Did you bite me?”

 

Kellogg laughed. “No, I didn’t bite you. You remember when you didn’t want me to have the gun? Yeah, let’s count that as a shitty decision.”

 

Nora sat up, head spinning. “You saved me?”

 

He didn’t answer, looking away.

 

“Why? You could have left me to die. You’d be free.”

 

“Free to do what? Your doctor is the one who has a hope of getting me free of this fucker, and I don’t think she’s gonna help me if I let you die. It was just a moment of self-preservation.” His voice had gone hard, like he wasn’t comfortable with the topic.

 

“The Institute could do it. Why haven’t you run back to them?”

 

“Because I want to start over. I want a life of my own. If they fix this for me, they’ll just draft me back into service and I’m tired of it.”

 

Nora rolled the shoulder of her injured arm, trying to ease the ache in it. “I thought you liked working for them?”

 

“I’m a mercenary. I like working wherever there’s caps. However, I worked for them a long time, I’ve got more caps than I could ever use saved and hidden.”

 

“And what would you do if you weren’t being a bastard for hire?”

 

“I don’t know. Maybe just be a bastard for fun?” He smiled, handing her a can of water. “Drink. I’ve got med-x, but I figured you wouldn’t take any.”

 

“Thanks, Kellogg.”

 

He frowned when she said his name, like he didn’t care for it. “Yeah, sure.” He sucked in a breath. “Fuck. Well, say hi to Nick for me.”

 

The yellow of his eyes dimmed before brightening again. They darted side to side, as if taking in the room. “Doll?” The whole demeaner changed, shoulders going more rigid, face loosening. Yeah, the two men were nothing alike. “What happened to your arm?”

 

“I am delicious to hounds.”

 

“I never should have let you run around with him.”

 

“Kellogg saved me. The hound leapt on me and even though he wasn’t armed, he managed to kill off the hound, the super mutants, and get me back to Oberland Station. I figure he earned a few points for that.”

 

Nick sighed. “It never would have happened if you didn’t have to distract yourself by watching out for me. Can’t you at least bring MacCready or something to help? Give you an extra gun, at least. Hell, how long is Amari going to take?”

 

“We’ll figure it out, Nick. Relax.”

 

“Don’t tell me to relax! I have some old grizzled merc sharing my grey matter. He does god only knows what when he’s in control. I’m slipping away, I feel it. Every time I wake up I feel like there’s less of me, like I’m missing bits, like there’s more of him and less of me. What if this can’t be undone? What if there’s no way to come back from this?”

 

“There is. We have to have faith that this can be fixed.”

 

“Yeah, Doll, I ran out of faith a long time ago. Faith died out when the bombs fell, when I woke up in a ruined, prototype body, when someone else crawled into my head. Faith hasn’t gotten me much. What I can promise you is that when this goes too far, when I start to think I might not wake up again, well let’s just say I won’t let Kellogg have this body, whatever it takes.”

 

Nick’s words haunted Nora all night.


	9. Chapter 9

 

Nora sat on the stairs, whiskey bottle draped between her fingers. Nick had lectured her about drinking, but given up and retreated to the desk she’d set up for him to look over his files.

 

How had things turned into this? They’d been so close before, and now they could barely speak. How had she lost her friend?

 

“The worst part of this fucking body is that I can’t drink any,” Kellogg said, standing at the foot of the stairs.

 

“You’re not missing much. I remember drinking good scotch before the war, the sort you sipped. This stuff will tear your stomach up.”

 

“Anything to take the edge off is worth it.”

 

Nora caught his gaze. “What do you need to take the edge off of? Your wife and daughter? Or do you even feel that anymore?”

 

He narrowed his eyes. “Fuck you. You’re a mean drunk.”

 

“I’m a mean everything.” She leaned back on the stairs, steps digging into her back, but she didn’t care. “How do you feel? Nick says he wakes up and feels less. You’re awake longer, you know? He thinks you’re taking over, that he’ll disappear.”

 

“Fuck, I don’t know. I ain’t doing it on purpose if I am.”

 

Nora took another drink, then closed her eyes.

 

Kellogg’s lips pressed against hers, his tongue slipping into her mouth. “Closest thing to a drink I can get anymore.”

 

“How does it measure up?”

 

“Fuck, I’ll take this over a drink any day.” He slid his metal hand behind her neck and deepened the kiss. His body pressed against hers as he took the space between her parted thighs. He held himself up on his knees and one hand, keeping his weight from shoving her further into the steps.

 

Not that she’d notice. She didn’t feel a damn thing but him, didn’t want to feel anything else, didn’t want to think anything else.

 

“Let’s move to the bed.”

 

She shook her head. The bed meant something, was important. “No, here.” She reached up and grabbed the front of his shirt.

 

“Come on, cupcake. The bed’s gotta be more comfortable. You’re gonna wake up with bruises if we do this on the stairs.”

 

“I don’t care about bruises. Come on, you’ve been wanting this, right? Been talking about it for days. Man up and fuck me already.”

 

He laughed and shook his head. “Like I said, you’re a mean drunk.” He yanked at her pants, and she lifted her hips until he got them off, taking her panties with them.

 

When he went to spread her thighs, she pulled away.

 

“Thought you wanted this?” His voice had gotten even more raspy, like it drug over miles of gravel.

 

“I do.” Nora rolled her body over, setting her knees on a step and bracing her forearms on a higher step. “Like this.”

 

“Surprised you’re willing to turn your back on me.”

 

She pressed her forehead against the wood, whiskey loosening her tongue. “Got no choice. I can’t have you fuck me and stare into those eyes, look into the face of a man who doesn’t want me. Maybe some other night, but not tonight. Don’t think there’s enough whiskey in the wasteland for that.”

 

#

 

Kellogg froze. Fuck, the pain behind those words kicked him in the balls.

 

He swallowed hard, setting his metal hand on her hip. She flinched away, like everything in her was strung tight despite all the liquor she’d poured down her throat.

 

“It’s alright. Just relax, okay?”

 

He took his good hand and ran it along her slit. She spread her knees, a whimper escaping her lips. He gathered her wetness on his fingers and stroked her again before circling her clit. She moaned, hips moving back for more contact.

 

“Easy. We’ll get there.”

 

“I don’t want easy, I don’t want to relax. I want you to give me exactly what I know you can.”

 

“And what is that?”

 

“Fuck me, hard, until I can’t think about anything else. Fuck, Kellogg, I know you’ve got that in you.”

 

“Call me Conrad.”

 

“I can go back to calling you asshole.”

 

He slipped a finger into her and pressed a kiss to her lower back. “Come on, Nora. Just this once, use my name.” He pulled the finger out and pushed two fingers into her.

 

“Conrad,” released on a moan.

 

“I like the sound of that that.” He undid his pants and pulled his cock from the confines. “Tell me to stop. Right now, tell me if you don’t want this.” He held his breath, fingers wrapped around his cock. Hell, he’d beg if he had to, he’d do anything she asked if she just said yet.

 

“I want you,” she said.

 

“Who?”

 

“Conrad. I want you, Conrad.”

 

He didn’t need to hear it again. He pressed into her, slow but insistent. She took him, back arching, like nothing had ever felt better. His good hand held her waist, and he stayed still, giving her time to adjust.

 

Not Nora, though. She moved her hips, trying to lean forward than go back.

 

He set his metal hand on her waist, and she jerked away, body going rigid.

 

“Hey, hey. Come on now, don’t tense up on me.”

 

She relaxed. Was that it? His voice? He thought back to her words, and realized, fuck, yeah, that was it. She didn’t want to think about Nick, even if this was his body. She didn’t want to imagine it was the synth inside her, she wanted it to be Kellogg.

 

And how fucked up was that? For them both. He kills her husband, she kills him, and here they were, desperate for each other. What sort of world pair the two of them up like this, made them starving for one another? Times like that he knew there was some God because it took a sick sense of humor to ordain something like that.

 

“That’s it.” He tied to coax her back as he began to move, as he slid out of her body then pushed all the way back in. He already felt a climax coming on. Was the synth that out of practice? A few thrusts got him off?

 

Hell, did the rust bucket even come?

 

He reached around her with his good hand and went for her clit. He had to hold off until she came. He was an asshole, but he was a generous one at least.

 

She batted his hand away. “Don’t bother.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“I’ve had way too much whiskey. I’m not gonna come. I just want to feel you.”

 

He grabbed her shoulder and pulled her up to her knees, leaning her back against his chest. He savored all the warmth of her body against him. The only good thing about the synth was he didn’t get muscle aches, did get cramping limbs from hard work. He tilted her head and kissed her neck as he sped up, chasing whatever it was the synth body could manage.

 

“Fuck, Conrad,” she whimpered when he shoved in hard.

 

His hands tightened around her as he came, sparks of pleasure and disorientation interrupting his thought process. He wasn’t sure the experience was all together pleasurable, and certainly nothing compared to what he’d had as a human, but he did feel relaxed, like some of the tension had drained away.

 

He pulled out, yanking his pants up and buttoning them. Nora didn’t struggle when he lifted her, carrying her the rest of the way up the stairs and into the bed. He sat her on the edge, her feet on the ground so she didn’t get dizzy.

 

She didn’t look at him, only stared down between her legs.

 

“You wallowing in regret?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

He let out a hard laugh and lit a cigarette. The synth couldn’t drink, but at least he could smoke. “Yeah, most people regret fucking me.”

 

Her own laugh was quiet and empty. “It’s not that. It should be that. You took my son, killed my husband, destroyed my life, and now you’re going to take Nick from me. I shouldn’t want you. But, no, that’s not it.”

 

“So what is it, then?”

 

She didn’t answer, pulling a blanket over her as she rolled away from him. “Will you clean up, please? So Nick won’t know. I can only imagine how he’d react. He'd look at me, all disappointment. I never measure up, you know that?”

 

Kellogg wanted to climb into the bed behind her, to wrap an arm around her and pull her against him. He wanted to promise her everything was going to be okay, that they’d figure this out.

 

But he wouldn’t lie to her. This was all headed for shit and he damned well knew it.

 

So instead of what he wanted, he headed down stairs to wipe off the evidence before Nick made an appearance.


	10. Chapter 10

 

Nick flicked cigarette ash into the dirt. Nora sat on the roof of Homeplate, legs dangling over the edge. She’d been gone when he’d come to, the sun already mid-sky. Seemed he’d been out for nine hours or so.

 

The times were getting longer; there was no way to ignore that now. At first Kellogg would show for a few minutes, then a few hours. Now Kellogg was awake for more of the day than Nick. Amari said she was close, but he didn’t know if he believed her. She wanted to save him, and she might say anything she needed to to do it.

 

Nick walked over and sat beside Nora. When his shoulder brushed hers, she went still and scooted away.

 

Damn, he hated the way things were. He missed their easy friendship, the one that had them both happy.

 

Now no one was happy.

 

“You’re gonna burn that pretty skin if you keep sitting in the sun like that.” He sniffed, and caught whiskey. “You bathe in whiskey last night, Doll?”

 

“Something like that, yeah.”

 

He shook his head. With Kellogg prowling around, drinking wasn’t smart. She needed her wits about her. He opened his mouth to warn her, but snapped it shut when he spotted the dark circles beneath her eyes.

 

She didn’t need a lecture.

 

She needed a break. This life was hard on those who grew up in it, and she hadn’t. She’d been thrown into it, forced to try to adjust. And Nick wasn’t easy on her, either. He tried to help her, give her a soft place to fall, but he couldn’t be too easy.

 

He didn’t want to see her get killed because she was soft, because she didn’t understand life.

 

So he pushed her.

 

Was he pushing her too far?

 

“I think maybe we should move to Goodneighbor for a while,” he said.

 

“Sure.” She didn’t argue, didn’t even ask why. He’d broken her, somehow.

 

“I just want to stay close to Amari until this is over.” He reached over and slid an arm around Nora’s shoulders.

 

There she went, rigid, breath catching in her lungs.

 

He pulled her against his side. “What’s wrong? We sit like this all the time.”

 

She shoved at his side until he let her go. Nora scrambled to her feet. “You’ve already made it clear you don’t want me, so stop this. Stop this game where you act like we’re more, like we might be more.”

 

“It’s not a game, Doll. I care about you, you know that. Since when is a bit of kindness nothing but a road to more? What’s gotten into you that you’re unhappy with how things are, now?”

 

“Maybe because I didn’t realize before just how much I wanted it. Maybe because I was stupid enough before to think we’d get there someday, and now I’m realizing we never will.” Nora took a deep breath, the heels of her hand against her eyes. “Maybe I’ve just realized how tired I am of never getting the things I want.”

 

“Hell, Doll-“

 

“I’m gonna pack my stuff. We’ll head to Goodneighbor in an hour or two.”

 

She walked away, and Nick took another drag from his cigarette.

 

Yeah, he’d broken her. Was there any way to fix it?”

 

#

 

Nora dropped her things on the bed, back sore. Her arm still had the sling keeping it against her side, and the trip one armed was more taxing than she’d expected.

 

She went ahead and let Nick have a gun, even though he objected. She was pretty sure Kellogg wasn’t going to shoot her in the back, at least not anytime soon.

 

Not that she’d tell Nick that.

 

The way his arm had gone around her shoulders had sickened her. So familiar and everything she’d wanted, but it felt like an empty gift box. It was something that was offered as comfort but never going to be what she’d wanted.

 

It was a cheap consolation prize. ‘I’m never going to actually give you the relationship you want, but here’s some scraps to keep you around.’

 

A hand set on her shoulder, and Nora jerked upright.

 

“Sorry to startle you, Doll.”

 

“It’s fine. What do you want?”

 

She’d gotten them different rooms, a first for them, but she didn’t want him any closer, couldn’t stomach him any closer.

 

He set his hand on the small of her back and pulled her closer, until she was against his chest.

 

This wasn’t friendly, this was trampling on all those things he’d said no to.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“I don’t think this is a good idea, but if you want to try it, we’ll try it. I don’t want to lose you.” He leaned in and brushed his lips against hers.

 

It was so unlike Kellogg’s kiss. Nick was hesitant, gentle, quiet. Kellogg had been all passion and demand. Nora sighed, breath spilling across Nick’s lips, before she returned the kiss.

 

Nick’s hand tightened and he groaned.

 

Nora broke the kiss, and went to exploring his jawline on the side with skin. She hadn’t had this chance with Kellogg, had avoided anything personal because it all hurt too much. Now she had free reign. She drug her tongue along his skin, tried to find points he reacted to.

 

She dropped to her knees,

 

Nick’s eyes widened, but he didn’t move. “You sure?”

 

Yeah, she was sure. They didn’t need to pussyfoot around this, they’d waited too long. She unbuttoned his pants and pulled them down until they pooled around his ankles. Her hands ran up the outsides of his thighs, trying to will him to relax.

 

“You can tell me to stop.”

 

He shook his head. “I don’t want you to stop.”

 

Nora didn’t play, didn’t tease. Maybe it was guilt, or desperation, or who knew what but she wanted to get him off. She wanted to please him, to have some connection with Nick. Not Kellogg, but Nick. She wanted to wipe away whatever was between her and Kellogg.

 

Nick was already hard, so she slid him into her mouth. She hadn’t done this in a while, so she didn’t take him deep. She used her tongue to stoke him, her hand wrapping around the base. When they had more time, when they were less desperate, when things between them were better, she’d lay him down and do this right. She’d take her time, have him twisting on the bed, begging her to let him come.

 

But that wasn’t for today. For today she just needed this.

 

He wrapped his good hand in her hair, muscles twitching like he had to fight from thrusting. His control was always good. “It’s been a long time for me, darling, I’m not gonna last.”

 

Her stomach turned at that. Not so long as he thought. . .

 

She shoved the thought away and took him deeper, fighting her gag reflex.

 

“Oh, damn.” She could hear the curse word he didn’t use, the one on the tip of his tongue that he wouldn’t let fly.

 

His hand closed in her hair, her scalp stinging. He shuddered while he came, though nothing filled her mouth. Synths, she guessed.

 

He slumped back, eyes closed. He ran his fingers through Nora's hair before he absently whispered, “Thanks. That was great, Jenny.”


	11. Chapter 11

Nora tried not to cry. Fuck, she really tried. But something about being on her knees, Nick still in her mouth, and him calling her by his dead fiancé’s name threatened to turn her into a fucking parody of herself.

 

She pulled back, letting him slide from her lips, dropping her head in her hands. “Jenny? As in Jennifer Lands?”

 

“Did I-“ His voice trailed off, like he hadn’t even realized it. “Oh, hell, I’m sorry. I- I didn’t mean to.”

 

Nora stood, the rustling of cloth as Nick redressed like sandpaper against her ears. “Were you thinking about her the whole time? Pretending it was her on her knees, not me?”

 

“What? No. It’s not like that.” He set his hands on her arms to pull her closer, but Nora slapped them away.

 

“Fuck you, Nick! I’m not Jenny, I’m never going to be Jenny. That’s the problem, isn’t it? That’s been the problem this whole time. I’m not some sweet, young, kind fiancé of yours. I drink too much, I curse, I kill people. I’m not just waiting at home for you to come back after a long day at work. That’s what it’s always been, right? I’m a stand in for Jenny but nowhere close to measuring up to the original. You keep me around because you keep hoping you can turn me into her. Pre-war but not quite right, huh?”

 

“No, you’re not like her, but I’m not comparing you. I’m not trying to replace her.”

 

“Bullshit. I see your face every time I take some chems, I see that look of disgust when I steal something. You want me to be a woman who died two-hundred years ago, and I’m just not. How did I not see that before? How didn’t I realize it?” Her chest hurt as her lungs thundered to keep up. This whole time they’d spent together, he’d wanted her to be someone else. That was why sometimes she’d think there was more, but he’d put a stop to it.

 

Because she wasn’t his Jenny. Because she’d never be that.

 

Nick reached for her again, his hand grasping nothing but air. “Come’re, sweetheart. You look like you’re gonna fall over. Just, just let me hold you for a minute.”

 

“Don’t you dare touch me.”

 

“You’re being ridiculous. You can’t tell me you don’t think of your husband sometimes.”

 

She laughed, the sound nearing hysterical. “I think about him, but I never once wished you were him. You want to tell me the same? Because I think I’d love to see you lie just once.”

 

He opened his mouth, then snapped it shut.

 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Get out, Nick.”

 

“But Kellogg-“

 

“Kellogg’s done a lot of shit, but he never pretended I was someone else.”

 

#

 

Kellogg walked into Nora’s room, only to be greeted by a raised gun. He lifted his hands. “You already blew my pretty face off once. Don’t you think that’s enough?”

 

She dropped the weapon. “Sorry. Thought you were someone else.” Her voice was slow, quiet, like she had no energy.

 

“You and rusty have a fight?”

 

She turned her head away, placing clothing in the dresser. “We’re staying here for a while. I’ve got our rooms for a few weeks. Clair owed me a favor, so she gave me a good price.”

 

“Two rooms?”

 

She shrugged, and he noted she’d lost weight over the past few weeks. Then again, he had trouble remembered if she ate. He needed to pay more attention, it seemed.

 

“Well, I’ve always been a fan of Goodneighbor. Course, can’t do most of the things anymore that make the town great. No chems, no alcohol, no whores.”

 

“You can still chase whores all you want.” She didn’t take the bait, didn’t turn around.

 

Kellogg walked up behind her and slid his arms around her waist. “Why would I do that when you’re so much more interesting than any of them?” He pressed a kiss to her neck.

 

She refused to give in, though. Her back remained stiff, arms moving to sort the clothing and ignore him. “We have to stay here to stay close to Dr. Amari. You’re in control more than Nick is, now. He thinks if something isn’t done soon, that you’ll take over entirely.”

 

“Well I know I don’t fucking want this body.” Kellogg sucked on her neck, just below her ear. “I don’t plan on getting comfortable here.”

 

“Why are you doing this?”

 

He stilled. “Doing what?”

 

“Any of this? What do you want? What is your plan? Are you just looking for some entertainment? Just trying to fuck with my head some?” Nora turned and shoved his shoulders. Her eyes were red. “Explain to me what you’re getting out of this because I can’t figure it out.”

 

The girl was all smoke and fire at the moment. Whatever had riled her up had done a good damned job of it. She wanted a target, and it seemed she’d picked Kellogg. Too bad he wasn’t in the mood to fight with her.

 

“I got to slide inside that tight body of yours, cupcake. You really need to ask me what I’m getting out of it?”

 

“You could have anyone. Am I just convenient?”

 

“You shot me in the head and got me stuck in this body. You’re a lot of things, but convenient hasn’t been one of ‘em.”

 

“So what is it? Are you trying to replace your wife with me?”

 

Kellogg tilted his head, studying her. Her chest heaved, cheeks flushed. The girl was deep in some argument, but it wasn’t with him.

 

“I ain’t replacing anyone with you. Is it so hard to think I might just like you?”

 

She released a hard laugh, then turned her back on him again. “Yeah, you know what? It’s really fucking hard for me to believe that today.”

 

“I’m surprised you let that synth crawl into your head and take a shit.”

 

She didn’t respond, just shoved more clothing away.

 

“You dug yourself out of that vault, fought your way through the commonwealth when you had nothing, tore through everything I threw at you. You really got no idea why that might be sexy as fucking hell? Instead of owning it, you sit there and let Valentine tear you apart from the inside, you let him live in that brain of yours until you think no one would want you. Guess what, cupcake? That idiot doesn’t speak for everyone.”

 

Her shoulders sagged, like she’d given up. She turned, tilted her face up to meet his gaze. “So what now?”

 

“Now, you’re going to eat something then get some sleep. You look exhausted.”

 

“Fine, but don’t be nice to me.”

 

“Why not?”  

 

“Because that isn’t us.” Her frowned drifted into a grin. “Asshole.”

 

He laughed, pressing a hand to her back to get her moving toward the door. “Come on, cupcake. Let’s go.”

 

#

 

Kellogg woke the next day to the sound of whispers. He was alone in his room, meaning Nora had made Nick sleep in his own room. Not that it surprised Kellogg. Whatever the synth had done to piss off Nora, the woman was holding a grudge.

 

He stood and walked to the closed door, picking up the voices from the other side.

 

“I wish I had better news, Nora.” Dr. Amari’s voice held the same apology it always did. So, bad news then.

 

“This can’t be it. Come on, Doc, you’re smarter than that.”

 

“It’s not about being smart. If I had weeks or months to detangle this, perhaps I could. The problem is that every test I have run shows the same thing. Kellogg is taking over Mr. Valentine’s brain.”

 

“He says he isn’t.”

 

“And you believe him?”

 

Kellogg held back a snort at that. Fuck the Doctor.

 

“Yes, I do.”

 

He frowned. She believed him? She trusted him? He rubbed at his chest.

 

“Whether he means to or not, it is happening. In another few weeks, there may not be anything left of Mr. Valentine to save. We have to do the procedure as soon as possible.”

 

“You just told me Kellogg has less than a fifty percent chance to make it. You really think I’m going to accept that?” Nora’s voice told Kellogg what her face would look like. That woman did fury right.

 

“Yes. I know you promised him we would try to transfer him, and we will try, but we are reaching a point where a choice must be made. We either attempt to remove Kellogg soon and know the risks, or we accept that we’re going to lose Valentine.”

 

"How long do we have?" Nora's voice was colored in desperation. 

 

"Another week and it will be irreversible."

 

Kellogg rested his head against the door. He waited for Nora to accept, to pick Nick. He couldn’t even blame her for it. If he were in her shoes, he’d pick the idiot over him, too.

 

Hell, she probably wouldn’t even tell him; she’d trick him, try to make sure he wouldn’t fight.

 

He wouldn’t, though. Why fight it? He was sick of this body, sick of this half-life shit, sick of not getting what he fucking wanted.

 

The door to Nora’s room closed, and Kellogg threw his fist into the wall.

 

He should have known Valentine would get what he wanted. Men like Valentine always won.


	12. Chapter 12

Nick rubbed his eyes. They didn’t get tired like they did when he’d been human, but right then he felt the same way.

 

Nora hadn’t forgiven him, but he couldn’t really blame her. The way she’d pulled away, the way she crumbled. Damn it all, he’d wanted to fix things and he’d only broken them all the more.

 

She deserved truth if nothing else.

 

The Third Rail was covered in smoke, as usual. Nora had a spot in the VIP room, drowning her sorrows in liquor if he knew her at all.

 

She saw him, but she turned her head as if she didn’t. The dame didn’t give up her grudges.

 

“Hey, sweetheart.”

 

Her eyebrow cocked up. “You really want to call me that?”

 

“Maybe not so sweet today, huh?”

 

“Yeah, maybe not.”

 

Nick sat in the chair beside the sofa, glad Hancock was out doing whatever he did when not getting drunk. Nick didn’t need an audience for this. “I owe you an explanation, don’t I?”

 

“Pretty sure you calling me Jenny explained things plenty to me.”

 

She tried to take another drink of whatever was in the bottle in her hand, but Nick snatched it away. “Would you just listen to me? Don’t you think you owe me that much?”

 

“Fine. Explain.”

 

And everything inside him shriveled up at the idea of putting into words what he thought. He took a deep breath, the alcohol burning his nostrils. “I’m sorry, alright? I know this is my fault. I should of made things more clear, should of never kissed you or let any of that happen. You’re right, I’m not over Jenny. It isn’t that you aren’t as good, it isn’t that I want you to be someone else, it’s just that, well, Jenny was mine- well, no, she was Nick’s. When I woke up, I wanted to be human. I dolled myself up like a detective to do what Nick did, I tried to behave like he did, and somewhere in me I thought I needed a dame like he had. And you, you’re amazing, but you aren’t her.”

 

She sat up, but he held a hand up.

 

“Wait, let me finish. You aren’t her, and that part of me trying to recapture Nick’s life couldn’t get past that. Couldn’t stop wanting the life Nick had because it was real, and I felt like everything I had was some knock off.”

 

“So what does that mean?”

 

“Hell, I don’t know. I know I don’t want you hurt, don’t want a repeat of what happened in that room. I ain’t lying when I say I love you, that you’re the most important person to me, and I want you happy, I do. I don’t want to lose you, but I can’t give you what you want, either. If anything, this all has shown me that we really can’t do this, can’t be more than friends. I don’t want to lose you, but I won’t hurt you, I can’t do that again.”

 

Nora moved her hair, the strands sticking to her skin from sweat. On her neck, below her ear, he spotted a bruise. His eyes narrowed as he looked for some other explanation.

 

“You get yourself a boyfriend, sweetheart?”

 

“What?” Her eyes widened when she noticed where his gaze was locked, and she moved her hair down.

 

Nick leaned over her, pinning her with ease and moving the hair back again. “Didn’t think you had time for anything like that, what with babysitting Kellogg. . .”

 

Ice curled in his stomach.

 

Kellogg.

 

She struggled, but she was no match for him. He held her still, eyes boring into the mark that Kellogg had left. Hell, that Nick had left.

 

“From the blush on your cheeks, guess I don’t need to ask if he forced you, huh?”

 

“It isn’t your business.”

 

“Isn’t it? It was my lips that did it, right? I think that makes me at least a little involved. So, Doll, exactly how far have you let him- I mean me, get?” He knew his voice held venom but he couldn’t help it. The idea of the other man on top of her, of him on top of her, it made it so he couldn’t think.

 

Hadn’t he just gotten done explaining why they could never be anything? So why did this bother him so much?

 

“Get off me.” She yanked, hissing when the action aggravated her still healing shoulder.

 

“Why? You don’t ask him to stay off you, not if your neck is any indication. So, tell me, Doll” he growled the name out. “You let me into those pants of yours?”

 

Nora caught his gaze as she stilled, and he was reminded that this wasn’t Jenny. This was Nora Jacobs, and you didn’t want Nora Jacobs angry with you. “I’m giving you one last chance, Nick, because we’re friends. Let me go, now.”

 

“Or what-“ He didn’t get out the words before she brought her knee up into his groin. Why did the institute make that so damn painful for him? Couldn’t they have made it a little less sensitive to trauma? He released her, leaning forward, and she took the opportunity to scoot out of his grip.

 

“Or that.”

 

“Yeah, well, I don’t think I’m gonna be up for anything later. Tell Kellogg I said sorry. Or that he can go to hell. Either way.”

 

Nora pulled her shoulders back and walked out of the VIP room, leaving Nick doubled over.

 

He wasn’t sure if he hated himself or Kellogg more at that moment.

 

Seemed a damn toss-up.

 

#

 

“Either Nick pissed you off or he’s really aggressive when he masturbates,” Kellogg complained as he limped into Nora’s room.

 

Nora tossed him a bag of ice as if she’d been expected it.

 

“Guess that answers which it was.” He eased into the chair and winced as he put the ice pack on his groin. “I’ll remember not to do whatever it was he did.”

 

Nora said nothing, legs folded on the bed.

 

She was probably feeling bad, trying to find some way to alleviate the guilt. Is that what she needed? For him to tell her it was okay, that he didn’t blame her?

 

The words stuck in his throat, like a goodbye, like making it fucking official. Still, it had been two days since the conversation and she hadn’t said a word. Time was running out, and he did want a goodbye. He didn’t want her to take Nick there when he was out, to do it and never give him a way to end it.

 

Fuck, he hated goodbyes.

 

“Hey-“

 

“-I’ve been thinking. You asked me why I listen to Nick, why I stick with him.”

 

“Yeah? You find yourself an answer?”

 

“Yeah, I did. Nick kept me from becoming you.”

 

Kellogg frowned but said nothing, motioning for her to continue.

 

“I saw your memories. That endless rage when your family got killed. I had that, that hollow, empty anger that I was ready to take out on anything. Nick helped fill that for me, like a splint when I was broken, let me heal right. You didn’t have that, you didn’t heal right, not at first at least. I could have turned into you, someone who just didn’t care anymore, but Nick kept me from that. He helped me be good, even when I didn’t fucking want to be.”

 

Kellogg let the words soak in. Yeah, she was right. He hadn’t healed right. At least, not until he’d spent time with her. Was that what Nick was to her? Was he that thing that made shit matter again?

 

“I know you’re gonna have the procedure done, and I know my odds of surviving it ain’t good.”

 

“How did you. . . You heard Amari, didn’t you?”

 

“Yeah, I did.”

 

“And you think I’m just going to let that happen, that I’m okay with shit odds like that?”

 

“I think you’re a smart woman, and you know that if it comes down to Nick or me, you’re gonna pick him. I’m not talking about it because I want to change your mind, I just, I didn’t want it to happen without me getting to say goodbye. I didn’t want to drift off one time and never get the chance to end this right.” Kellogg gestured down at his groin. “Though, it ain’t ending with any action thanks to your well-placed kick. These goods are way too tender.”

 

Nora stared at Kellogg so long, he fidgeted beneath the scrutiny. Fuck, what did she see? Just an old merc who’d fucked up way more lives than he’d helped, probably.

 

“I haven’t told Nick about what Amari said, either.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose him, but,” she took a deep breath, “I don’t think I can lose you, either.”

 

“Come on, you’re smarter than that. You know which bot to bet on in this race, and it isn’t the over-the-hill merc who killed your husband.”

 

She shook her head. “How can I do this? How can I make the choice? I’ve lost so fucking much, why does this shitty world keep trying to take more away from me? It’s not fucking fair, Conrad. I’m so tired of losing things.”

 

He got up and sat in the bed beside her, ignoring the ache still between his legs. Fuck, the girl had gotten him good, that was for sure. “Shh, cupcake. It’s alright. Take a deep breath and relax. I’ve got a few hours before rusty wakes up. Why don’t you stretch out here and get a bit of sleep? When Nick wakes up, you tell him what Amari said and you go get this thing done.”

 

She didn’t agree, shaking her head while she wrapped her arms around his waist, her head resting on his chest. Tears soaked through his shirt, and he ran his hand through her hair.

 

She drifted off to sleep, probably more from being at her breaking point than from relaxation.

 

She wasn’t going to pick Nick. What the fuck was he supposed to do with that?

 

#

 

Nora woke up, eyes darting. She was alone.

 

Had Nick woken up and stormed out? The clock on her pip-boy told her Kellogg should have another hour or two before Nick came back. So where had he gone?

 

A paper sat on the end of the bed, and her fingers shook as she picked it up.

 

_Hey Cupcake,_

 

_For such a smart girl, you make dumb choices. This one is a no-brainer and we both know it. I took my ass down to Amari, and by the time you read this, it’ll be done. I’ve fucked up your life too many times, taken too much from you. I won’t take your only friend, as much of an idiot as I think he is. I know I’m not waking up from this. Life hasn’t ever really gone the way it was supposed to for me, so I don’t have any fantasies about a happy ending here. Just do me a favor, and stick with Nick, would you? I’d hate for you to still turn out like me._

 

_Feel free to kick that fuckwit in the balls again though, just for me._

 

_And even though I don’t need to say it, I fucking love your inconvenient ass, you know that, right?_

 

 

Nora dropped the note and bolted toward The Memory Den. She crossed the town in no time, barreling down the stairs and into Amari's room. "What happened? Are they okay?" 

 

Dr. Amari set down a clipboard. "The extraction was successful it seems. Mr. Valentine is awake and there seem to be no lingering mnemonic impressions."

 

She took a deep breath of relief before asking. "And Conrad?" 

 

Nick's voice floated in from behind her. "I'm sorry, Doll. He didn't make it." 

 


	13. Chapter 13

Nora ignored Deacon. He lounged across her, head in her lap, spouting off some story that she was sure had never happened. Deacon didn’t come often, usually too busy being a shadowy fuck to stick around, but it seemed he was one of her many babysitters.

 

“Then I convinced the synth that I was a courser, me! I told him the Institute needed him to start freeing synths.”

 

“That never happened, D.”

 

“Maybe, maybe not. You’ll never know.” He twisted and caught her gaze from over the top of his sunglasses. “How are you, Fixer?”

 

“Peachy. Is that why you’re here?”

 

“I’m here because I’m amazing company. People travel from the Capital Wasteland just to spend a few minutes in my presence. Also, because Nick needed some help.” Deacon lifted his cupped hand to his mouth and whispered, loudly, “I think he’s afraid if he turns his back you’re gonna off yourself.”

 

“You could have put that a little more delicately,” Nick said, standing in the doorway.

 

Nick was always there, in the background, like fucking wallpaper. He never left her, but rarely spoke to her, either. When she cried, he’d wrap a blanket around her then float back away, like he knew him being there wouldn’t help a bit. They hadn’t spoken much, but what was there to say?

 

She was crying because he’d lived and Kellogg hadn’t. It wasn’t even an either or, and she damned well knew that. If Nick hadn’t made it, she couldn’t even bring herself to consider that, either.

 

“I’m not gonna do shit,” Nora said and wondered if it was true. Maybe people had a limit of things they could lose in a lifetime. Maybe it added up like snow on a mountain, and when it got too high, they crashed down and flattened everything in their way.

 

Fuck, she felt like it had flattened her.

 

“I feel like I taught you to lie better than that,” Deacon said. “We will need to start up the lessons again.”

 

“Why don’t you just give me a mission already?”

 

“Because the last one you got, you ran into a room full of gen 2’s like Grognak. I think I saw you hit one with a pool stick. Took me two stimpacks to seal your ass back up and you ruined a perfectly good costume of mine. That is not the picture of perfect mental health, Fixer. I think a little down time is needed.”

 

Nora sighed. Yeah, that had been bad. The day after the procedure, Nora had needed something to do. Anything. She’d picked up a dead drop, had no idea Deacon was tailing her. She’d always been reckless, but even she had to admit, that was damn near suicidal. Only Deacon’s quick thinking and good aim had saved her.

 

And after that, they dragged her back to Homeplate and treated her to the 24/7 shit.

 

Nick took a seat across from Nora, leaning in. “Look, Doll. I know you’re hurting. I know this isn’t what you wanted to happen, but you know better than anyone that we’ve still got to keep going, that we can’t give up.”

 

“I just thought I could get this, you know? That I could have a happy ending for once. I mean, don’t I deserve that? After all this bullshit, after Nate and Shaun and everything, don’t I get to win one thing?”

 

Deacon sat up, face turning serious. “When you get to be my age, you realize there is no winning. There’s only surviving. Can’t say I’m a fan of Kellogg, but you really think he’d want you running into radstorms of bullets and wasting away? You think that’s the future he wanted for you?”

 

Nora drew her legs up to her chest and thought back to the note she still had in her pocket. She slept with the fucking thing, reread it like it might change, like she’d discover some part of it that changed everything. “No, I guess not.”

 

Nick reached out, slowly, like he was giving her time to reject him. His hand set on her knee. “I am sorry, sweetheart. I know what he meant to you, and even if I don’t get it, I’m sorry. But, I’m gonna be here for you, you know that, right? No matter what happened with us, you’re my friend, you’re my partner. We’re in this together.”

 

Nora set her hand on top of his and forced a smile she didn’t feel. “Yeah, I know.”

 

#

 

Nick nodded at Deacon before he left. Nora was eating, at least, and he trusted the spy to keep an eye on her, keep her safe. He’d cleared the weapons out of her place, taken away the chems or anything she could OD on. He hated having to do that, watching her in this hopeless place, but he didn’t know what else to do.

 

Maybe time would fix it, at least help.

 

He walked into his office, past a man sitting in the chair. Nick sat at his desk, shuffling the papers around, ignoring him.

 

“How is she?”

 

Nick pressed his lips together before meeting the gaze of the man across from him. “Well what do you know, you’re still screwing her life up even when you’re supposed to be dead, Kellogg.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter. I planned on leaving the last chapter up for the night and continuing tomorrow, but I felt too bad leaving on that point. I'm a nicer person than I realized.


	14. Chapter 14

Sitting across from Nick still struck Kellogg as strange. The two had spent so much time connected yet never talking. Their brief exchange after the procedure had made him sure he hated the synth just as much as he figured he would.

 

Nick sat there, stupid hat on, same dumb outfit. “Thought you were going to stay away.”

 

“It’s been two weeks, wanted to check in. Not like she’s going to recognize me.”

 

“You know you poison everything you touch, right? She’s hurting and it’s all your fault.”

 

Kellogg sighed, smoke from his cigarette drifting to the ceiling of Nick’s office. “Yeah, I know. Why do you think I said she had to think I was gone. Didn’t really figure on waking up, to be honest, but we both know she could do a hell of a lot better than me. I’d just drag her down.”

 

“No arguments here. I just wish you’d stay gone.”

 

Kellogg stretched his hand out, then drew it back into a fist. This body felt strange, different. He’d grown used to Nick’s, to the metal bits, to the hum of the machinery. They hadn’t had many choices for him, and he could have done a hell of a lot worse. The body was from a synth who had failed a memory wipe. At least it was a man, he figured. It would have really been his luck to wake up to a set of tits of his own.

 

This body seemed about forty, another blessing. If he had to be eighteen again at his age he’d kill someone just for the insult. It was average, maybe a bit taller, thinner than he was used to. He’d already begun a regiment to gain some strength, but at least its reflexes and speed were good. All in all, it would do.

 

“I'll be gone, soon. I’ve got some errands in the city to take care of first. They’ll take me a couple days, maybe a week.”

 

“If you’re waiting for an invite to stay here, you’re going to be waiting a long time.”

 

“Thanks, but I’m renting my old place. Guess I’m more nostalgic than I thought I’d be.”

 

Nick nodded, then looked down at his papers as if dismissing Kellogg.

 

“I love her. Even with all this shit going on, with everything I’ve done, all the shit I’m guilty of, I figure you should know that. You’re her best friend, no matter how stupid I think that is, so you should know, I really do love her.”

 

Nick took a deep breath before meeting Kellogg’s gaze. “Yeah, I know. I think that might be the worst part of this whole damned thing. Out of everyone she could have met, out of the whole damned Commonwealth, you cross her path. And she could have just killed you again, tossed you out, anything, but no. Things twist and you two end up falling in love. How screwed up is that? Because make no mistake, the girl loves you, too.” Nick took a drag of his own cigarette, pausing for a minute before he exhaled. “Like I said, you’re poison. You get your claws into someone and just tear ‘em apart. I don’t know if she’s ever gonna really heal from this.”

 

Kellogg leaned back, eyeing the synth. “You talk about poison, but don’t think for a second you ain’t just as bad. She didn’t give your goods a manhandling because of your great charm. She didn’t cry herself to sleep because you’re so great for her. We may be shit as friends, but we sure as fuck manage to both fuck her over, don’t we?”

 

Nick went to argue, but stopped, like he knew he had no defense. Instead, he asked quietly, “So why’d you decide to leave? If you are star crossed lovers and you’re so sure I’m bad for her, why leave?”

 

“Because I care a hell of a lot more about her than about my own wants. First time that’s ever been true for me. I asked her why she kept you around after the hundredth time I saw her heartbroken over you. You know what she said? She said without you, she’d turn into me, that you helped her heal after everything I stole from her. Fuck, Nick, I can hate you all I want but if you can keep her from turning into me, then it’s pretty fucking clear who she needs. I’m broken, I know that. Losing everything hollowed me out, turned me into a monster. I’d give up anything to keep it from happening to her. And we both know it would come down to choosing, because you and I would just kill each other if she tried to have both in her life.”

 

Nick laughed then, like they’d come to some strange understanding of each other neither expected. “You know, if you weren’t such an asshole, we might have gotten along in a different life.”

 

Kellogg put out his cigarette in the ashtray on Nick’s desk before he stood. “No, we wouldn’t have, because you’re still an uptight prick. Nora ever needs anything, you send word, okay?”

 

Nick nodded. “Sure, sure.”

 

#

 

Nora laughed as she scaled down the side of Homeplate. Her babysitters might think they were great, especially Deacon who couldn’t sing his own praises loud enough, but they underestimated how little she cared for company right then.

 

Nick was at his office, and Deacon had fallen asleep, leaving Nora able to sneak out of the upstairs door and be home free.

 

What she planned to do with her new found, and very temporary, freedom, she had no idea. A drink at the Dugout Inn? No, Vadim would just rope her into another crazy scheme. Go pretend to be a synth with Myrna?

 

No, she might just get herself shot.

 

Really, all Nora wanted was some silence, some quiet without people watching her every move, without them trying to help and make things better.

 

There was only one place she could think of where she could be alone, a place she didn’t expect Nick or Deacon to look, but one safe enough they wouldn’t bitch too much when she finally came back.

 

She walked up the stairs toward Kellogg’s old place. She remembered jogging up them behind Nick that first time, the way she’d picked the lock, trying to show off her set of skills to the detective who had only frowned. Someone didn’t approve.

 

Her legs drug this time, too tired to have the pep she’d had before. She twisted the handle, to find it locked.

 

Strange. Mayor must have changed the lock after her little break-in. Too bad she could just pick it again.

 

Nora pulled out a set of lock picks and popped it open.

 

She slid in then closed the door. A revolver cocked behind her and she turned around.

 

A man she didn't recognize had a gun aimed at her. “What are you doing here?”

 

#

 

Kellogg tried to keep the surprise off his face. He also had to keep himself from walking over and touching her. It felt like fucking years since he’d seen her, since he’d left her sleeping in that Rexford hotel room.

 

She lifted her hands. “Sorry, didn’t know anyone was staying here.”

 

“Yeah, that doesn’t answer my question.”

 

Her eyes narrowed, like she’d just realized she didn’t like people holding guns on her. “I’m not going to hurt you. You can put down the gun. I used to know the person who lived here.”

 

“Mayor said this place has been empty a long time.”

 

She dropped her hands then stuck them in her pockets. Damn, she’d lost even more weight. The circles beneath her eyes were damned near bruises now. “Yeah, I guess it has. He hadn’t lived here in a while. I just, I wanted some peace and quiet and it seemed like a good place. Sorry, I’ll just,” she looked over her shoulder at the door, lips tipping down. “I’ll go.”

 

He needed to let her go. They didn’t need this near miss, and the girl was smart enough that he didn’t need to give her any ammunition to figure out who he actually was.

 

Yep, she needed to go.

 

“No, it’s alright stay.”

 

Fuck. That hadn’t been what he was supposed to say. Kellogg uncocked the gun and set it on the table.

 

She eyed him, suspicion over her face. “You don’t know me. Why would you let me stay? Maybe I’m here to rob you.”

 

“I thought you said you weren’t.”

 

“I’m not. But it’s stupid to trust people, so you trusting me says you’re either stupid or up to something.”

 

Kellogg shrugged and sat in the chair against the wall. “Must be stupid, then. I’ve got a soft spot for women in distress.”

 

The moment the words came out he cursed.

 

Nora stopped, then took a step back. She shook her head and laughed. “I had a friend who said something like that once, though I think he was lying. Don’t think he had any soft spots.” She sat on the sofa, pulling her legs up next to her. “Thanks, for letting me stay.”

“You got a place here?”

 

“Yeah, but right now it’s got people who think I need babysitters.”

 

“You seem old enough to take care of yourself.”

 

She flashed him a smile. He’d fucking missed that smile. “Oh, I’m old enough. Let’s just say these babysitters are there because they think my mental health is less than ideal.”

 

“Are they right?”

 

She stretched out on the couch, laying back until she was flat, eyes locked on the ceiling. “Yeah, they are.”

 

The words dug inside him. He’d done this to her. Not when he’d let her think he died, but when he’d been stupid enough to try and kiss her that first time, when he’d yanked her into this fucked up bond they had. He wanted to help but the best thing for her was for him to be gone.

 

“What’s your name?” She rolled to her side, folding her arm beneath her head. She looked so fucking small there.

 

“Ted.” He’d used the fake name enough times in his work, it came naturally. “Yours?”

 

“Nora. You know, I like you, Ted. And that’s amazing, because I don’t fucking like anyone.”

 

He smiled. “With a mouth like that, I’m not shocked.”

 

She said nothing, seeming to withdraw into herself, into whatever was going on in her head.

 

Kellogg fought the urge to talk, to fill the space with all the things he still wished he’d said, to try and do something, anything to help her.

 

Her eyes started to close.

 

“You’re falling asleep there, cu-“ he cut off the nickname before it escaped. “You’re welcome to catch some shut eye, if you want. Looks like you could use it.”

 

“Could you do me a favor?”

 

He fought the urge to tell her he’d do anything. “What’s the favor?”

 

“Don’t rape or kill me or anything? I’ll give you a hundred caps in the morning if you can resist those urges.”

 

He laughed. “Yeah, I think I can manage that.”

 

She was already out before he could answer.

 

Kellogg grabbed the blanket from his bed and draped it over her shoulders, then pressed a kiss to her temple, soft enough not to wake her up.

 

Fuck, this was bad.


	15. Chapter 15

 

“That was terrible. I have half a mind to spank you, young lady.”

 

“Try it Deacon, see what happens.”

 

Deacon wiped the glare from his face and broke back into his normal smile. “I would, but I suspect you’d enjoy it too much. Now, where were you? Nick is furious with me, so I’d like to know you were at least doing something productive.”

 

Nora shrugged. “Out.”

 

“I’d ask follow up questions but you’ll just evade them. Also, you look better, so I’ll let it slide.”

 

Nora felt better. She hadn’t gotten much sleep lately, but she’d managed a good eight hours sleeping on Ted’s couch. He hadn’t been there when she’d awoken, though it seemed he’d placed a blanket on her during the night. She’d left the caps she’d promised, since he’d held up his end of the bargain by neither raping nor killing her.  

 

She’d woken up feeling more alive than she had in a while, believing things might actually get better.

 

That night, she snuck out again. This time she suspected Deacon allowed it, the subtle grin on his lips while he slept either a permanent fixture, or a response to her attempts at stealth.

 

She picked the lock the Ted’s door, anxious to talk to him a little more. What was it about him? Maybe that he didn’t know her, that he wasn’t mixed up in any of this bullshit. He was fresh, clean, uncomplicated.

 

Fuck, she liked uncomplicated right then.

 

She pushed the door open to find the place empty. Ted had left.

 

#

 

_Two Weeks Later_

 

Kellogg drank his whiskey, grateful again that this new body could drink. He’d missed the burn, the heat that filled his stomach as he drank away everything he didn’t like about life.

 

Moving out of his place in Diamond City hadn’t been his first choice, but he couldn’t see Nora again, not like that. Self control had never been his strong suit, and she’d been too fucking tempting, laying there, sleeping, vulnerable.

 

So he’d dragged his ass to Goodneighbor and set up there. The term ‘set up’ being a vague term he had no idea what to do with himself.

 

He wasn’t kidding that he’d spent so long doing others’ works for caps, he didn’t know what to with himself now. He had caps, more than he’d ever be able to spend, and nothing to do with his damned time.

 

Nothing but drinking in the Third Rail, which was what had become his routine. Amari knew who he was, as did Nick, but that was as far as it went.

 

“Here comes trouble,” White Chapel Charlie said.

 

“She’s not that bad,” replied Hancock.

 

“You don’t clean up the mess she makes when she decides she wants to have a bar fight.”

 

Kellogg turned in his seat to find Nora walking in.

 

He never could seem to escape her. Fate had a sense of humor he didn’t.

 

#

 

Nora spotted Hancock by the bar. He waved her over, grin across his ruined face.

 

“Hey there, sunshine.” He wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her against his side. “Been hoping you might come visit me. You ran off so fast, not even a goodbye.”

 

“Sorry. It was. . .” she sighed, then pushed it aside, “complicated.”

 

“So I hear. You look better”

 

“You all gossip like women.”

 

He leaned in and whispered into her ear. “No secrets among thieves and all that. I’m glad you’re back.”

 

Nora shouldered him away, laughing. Hancock flirted with anything that moved, so she never took it serious. He wasn’t interested in her.

 

Well, he’d fuck her if she’d let him, but she suspected he’d fuck anything willing. And she wasn’t willing. She hadn’t been even before Kellogg, but now? She couldn’t even imagine it. Just the idea of trying, with anyone, made her stomach lurch.

 

“So to what do I owe this pleasure? You here for work or just to get drunk and start a fight?”

 

“Does it have to be either or?” Nora shifted her gaze to Charlie, the bartender who hated her. “Whiskey.”

 

Hancock shoved Nora’s hand, and the caps, back into her pack. “You know you don’t pay for drinks, sweetheart. You a whiskey girl now?”

 

Why did all roads lead back to Kellogg? “Yeah. It, um, it reminds me of someone.”

 

“Ah, I know that look. You drink up your whiskey and you need any company, let me know.” Hancock kissed her cheek before floating off to find someone less haunted and more fun, she guessed.

 

Nora shoved the glass back to Charlie. She’d drink the bottle. This place wasn’t exactly fancy.

 

Someone got up, and Nora turned to find Ted going to leave.

 

“Small world,” Nora offered.

 

He stopped, like he’d been caught, and turned. “Nora, right?”

 

“Like you didn’t know that before you tried to sneak off. I admit, I’m not that charming, but people don’t usually scurry off at the sight of me.”

 

“Oh, they do once they’ve met ya, love,” Charlie chimed in.

 

“Thanks, Charlie. You’re such a sweetheart.”

 

Charlie had retreated to the other side of the bar before Nora could say anything else.

 

“He doesn’t care for you.”

 

“I might have stuck some magnets to him one night. And, another night, I might have reprogrammed his charming accent to sound like a super mutant.”

 

“You have a mean streak in you, huh?”

 

She frowned, remembering when Kellogg had said that to her. She squeezed her eyes shut and tilting the bottle back. She took three gulps before the bottle was pulled away, and she wiped her mouth with her sleeve.

 

“Whoa there. Why don’t you slow down a bit?”

 

“Fuck you, Ted. You bailed out of Diamond City and you were trying to sneak out here. Don’t even know what I did that was so terrible, but I know I don’t care. I’ll go ahead and leave you be. I’ll take my whiskey and get out of your hair.” She clutched the bottle and wandered up the stairs.

 

Fuck him. Fuck all of them. Deacon and Nick had finally given her some space, and she planned to take advantage by drinking herself into a nice, comfortable stupor.

 

#

 

Kellogg rubbed his eyes, the sound of Nora stomping up the stairs loud, even over the music. The girl had always been a disaster.

 

Where the fuck was Nick? No one was keeping an eye on her, keeping her out of trouble, and he damned well knew that look in her eyes. The girl was looking for trouble, and in town like Goodneighbor, she’d find it.

 

He sat for another twenty minutes before he gave in. She shoved the glass across the bar and went up the stairs.

 

Kellogg stopped in front of Ham, the bodyguard at the top of the stairs. “You see where the girl carrying the whiskey went?”

 

“She was muttering about the Memory Den.”

 

Kellogg groaned. Great, the one place she really shouldn’t go.

 

He left The Third Rail and went into the Memory Den. As soon as he was inside, he heard Nora’s voice shouting. No one could sling curse words like that woman, even slurred.

 

Irma’s eyes were wide when he passed her. “She just ran in here, gun waving.”

 

“It’s okay. I’ll talk her down, okay?” He passed her and took the steps fast.

 

In Amari’s office, Nora was sitting on the couch, pistol in her hand.

 

Not just any pistol, he noticed, but his. She must have taken that off his body when she’d killed him, too. “You could have saved him! You just didn’t fucking care!”

 

Amari’s frightened eyes turned to Kellogg, but he shook his head. This was delicate, and he could talk Nora down without giving anything away.

 

“Hey there, Nora. What’s going on here?”

 

Nora turned a glare on him. “You should go. This is a private conversation. Just me, the good Doctor, and the ghosts of our fucking pasts.” The barrel of the gun drifted before she righted it. It would be a damned miracle to hit the doctor on purpose, but fucking easy to kill someone on accident.

 

He inched closer. “Come on, why don’t we talk this out? I think you know a sober head is a better time to have talks like these.”

 

She shook her head. “Hurts too much when I’m sober. Right now it doesn’t hurt, right now I’m just pissed. You made a dead brain speak, Amari, but I ask one thing from you and you can’t do it! After everything I’ve given you, all the times I put my life on the line for your fucking Railroad and you couldn’t give me this one this!”

 

“You don’t understand.”

 

Nora responded by firing, the bullet hitting the terminal behind Amari. “Oh, I understand. You didn’t like him. That was it, right? You moved heaven and fucking earth to save Nick, but you didn’t give a shit about Kellogg!” She fired again, hitting the wall. “You took him from me!” Nora dropped the gun then stood, to charge Amari.

 

Kellogg caught Nora around the waist before she reached the doctor. “Alright, that’s it. Let’s go sleep this off.” He twisted around to look at Amari. “I’ll bring by caps for the damage in the morning, okay?”

 

Amari frowned, gaze darting between them, but she said nothing, just crossed her arms.

 

Kellogg threw Nora over his shoulder, ignoring the way she slammed her fist against his back.

 

“You let me go! I have killed better men than you!”

 

He laughed as he walked up the stairs after Clair mouthed the room number to him. Seemed Nora had a reputation as one who might need to be carried back to her room from time to time. No one batted an eye.

 

“Oh yeah? Tell me about ‘em.” He opened the door to her room, then used his hip to close it behind them.

 

Nora had stopped fighting, and he started worrying she might be approaching the vomiting stage of alcohol consumption. At least she’d lost her Whiskey bottle in her anger.

 

Or she’d finished it off. He wasn’t sure which it was.

 

He set her down at the foot of her bed. “Tell me about these better men.”

 

She didn’t look at him. “I killed a mercenary, toughest son of a bitch in the Commonwealth. Took out his whole army of synths before I put a bullet between his eyes.” She put her hands behind her and leaned back. “Then I killed him again. Didn’t figure out how to save him in time, so I might as well have pulled the trigger a second time. So, yeah, I’ve killed men fucking miles ahead of you, Ted. Think twice before you ever manhandle me again.”

 

He laughed, leaning down in front of her.

 

Nora lifted a foot to kick him, but the whiskey made her slow.

 

He grabbed the ankle. “Settle down. I’m getting your shoes off.”

 

“I’m not fucking you.”

 

“I wasn’t asking you to.”

 

“Good.” She laid back, eyes unfocused. Fuck, the girl made the night they’d fucked on the stairs look like a sober event. “Why are you helping me? You couldn’t get away from me fast enough before.”

 

“Seems like you could use a friend.” He touched the button to her pants, but she pressed her hands over his, face unsure. “Just getting you ready for bed. Nothing else.”

 

She let go of his hands, so he finished the job. He had to swallow as he pulled her pants off, his fingers skimming the skin of her thighs. It was more difficult than he expected, probably because he knew he’d never get her again.

 

He tossed the pants on the chair beside the bed, then rolled her on her side. “Don’t want you choking if you throw up any of that bottle of whiskey you downed.” Kellogg pulled the blanket over her, but as he went to leave, she wrapped her fingers around his wrist.

 

“Stay?”

 

“I can’t.”

 

“Please. I’m afraid.”

 

He took a deep breath and knelt beside the bed. “What do you have to be afraid of?”

 

“When I close my eyes, I see him drifting away. I see him trapped, somewhere, and I can’t reach him. Every night, it’s the same fucking dream. Every night except the one I slept on your couch. Please?”

 

Kellogg closed his eyes, but fuck, he knew he couldn’t say no to her. “Yeah, okay.” He looked at the chair, groaning at the idea of spending the night there.

 

“Bed’s big enough for two.” She still hadn’t released his wrist.

 

“You should know better than to invite men into your bed.”

 

She shrugged, but didn’t let go of his wrist.

 

He groaned. “Alright, roll on your other side, I don’t want you throwing up on me.”

 

#

 

Nora woke to snoring. Her head throbbed as she turned, to face Ted, who slept on his back, as far over on the bed away from her as he could manage. The sun hadn’t risen, so she couldn’t have slept more than a few hours.

 

He mumbled, head thrashing. “Cupcake.”

 

She frowned. Sure, she missed good pastries as much as anyone else, but dreaming about baked goods seemed like a waste of good dreams.

 

His hand twitched. “No.”

 

Nora sat up, slow, not wanting to wake him. The man confused her, so quick to help her but so fucking quick to try to get away. She set a hand on his arm and tried the soft voice she’d use to calm Shaun in the middle of the night. “It’s okay.”

 

“Miss you.”

 

“Who do you miss?”

 

He frowned, like his sleeping mind was still trying to figure out what was doing on. “Shoulda’ died. Woulda’ hurt less.”

 

She knew that feeling. Fuck, she knew what living when you were sure you should have died, when you wished you had died, felt like. It was shit. “Shhh,” she said, rubbing circles on his forearm. “It’ll be okay.”

 

“Won’t be. Had to leave you behind, cupcake. Fuck, miss you.”

 

The nickname crept into her, blossoming until she considered the impossible. No, it couldn’t be. . .

 

She licked her lips, struggling to breathe, to stay calm. “Kellogg?”

 

“Not anymore. Can’t be anymore.” He jerked again, like the conversation hurt even in his sleep. He rolled away from her. “Hurts too much.” He drifted deeper into sleep.

 

Nora just stared at him while he slept.

 

Kellogg wasn’t dead, he was right fucking next to her.


	16. Chapter 16

Warmth touched Kellogg’s chest, rousing him. His lips tipped down as he opened his eyes to find Nora’s  lips against his chest.

 

For a moment, he forgot where he was. He thought back to them, together. He went to lift his hand, to wrap it in her hair and pull her in for a kiss.

 

Then the sight of this new skin, the sort that didn’t much resemble Nick’s, against her lips reminded him where they were, of everything that happened.

 

He wasn’t Conrad, he was Ted, and he couldn’t let her do this.

 

“What are you doing?” His voice rasped from the sleep, and fuck it sounded more like his old self.

 

She turned her head to meet his eyes. “Do you want me to stop?” The words came out a challenge.

 

He swallowed, the gulp loud in the silent room. “Yeah, you probably should.”

 

Her tongue slid out and she circled his nipple. He sucked in a breath.

 

Her gaze never left his. “Why? You’ve helped me twice, haven’t tried to kill me yet, you seem to enjoy this. Come on, it’s been a long time for me.”

 

He frowned. A few weeks wasn’t that long.

 

Nora slid her leg over his hip so she straddled him. She leaned down, claiming his mouth in a kiss. He kissed her back because he couldn’t not kiss her back, it was like instinct wired inside him. Her hips moved, rubbing herself against him.

 

Fuck, no man was strong enough to tell her to stop. Kellogg set his hands on her hips, a groan escaping. He tried to shut his mouth before anything else tumbled out, before he gave himself away. Blood had already rushed to his cock, and she scrambled his brain anyway. He needed to stay silent.

 

Nora broke the kiss and bit down on his neck. The move was hard, much harder than he was used to from her. He’d have a hell of a bruise tomorrow. He didn’t care, though, it went straight to his cock, like every other touch did, like his body was starving for her and would take anything she had to give.

 

“That feels so good, Ted.” The name escaped her lips, harsh. Or maybe he just hated her fucking calling him that. He missed the breathy way she’d whisper Conrad, like a plea. “Fuck, I need this.”

 

“It really been that long?”

 

“Well, there was one thing, but it was lousy.” She sat up, still using her hips, and all he could think about was her doing that while they were both naked, while he was deep inside her. She’d arch her back, on display for him, and he’d-

 

Wait. “Lousy, huh? Who was the poor sap?” One hand of his reached up to cup her breast through her shirt.

 

“Some merc. Guess he spent so long shooting people he’d forgotten how to fuck ‘em.”

 

He narrowed his eyes, glad she seemed otherwise distracted. Lousy? He was a lot of fucking things, but a lousy lay wasn’t one of them, even with Nick’s equipment. “You sure you were sober enough to remember? The way you poured whiskey down your throat last night tells me you might not recall things that well.”

 

“Well, it wasn’t that memorable, but I remember it. Wasn’t that drunk. Fucked me on some stairs, didn’t even get me off. Hardly anything to write home about.”

 

A growl escaped Kellogg’s chest, annoyed. She’d been the one too drunk to come, the one who had thrown his hands off when he’d tried. She’d also been the one to refuse moving to a bed.

 

But he couldn’t say any of that, couldn’t argue his case.

 

Something sharp pressed against his groin, something he recognized.

 

He stilled. “So, how long have you known?”

 

“You talk in your sleep, Kellogg.”

 

“Well, now that you know it’s me, mind removing the blade from my goods?”

 

#

 

Nora kept her hand from shaking by some miracle, the blade against him. Part of her was still amazed he’d admitted it. She expected him to deny it some more, to jerk her around a bit longer.

 

“I think I’ll keep it here, thank you very much. Maybe if you’ve got something you actually care about at risk you’ll be honest with me for once.”

 

“So your whole lousy lay thing was just to annoy me, huh?”

 

“Nope. It was just lousy.” She was amazed she got that lie out at all, and what a fucking lie it was. She tried to hide it from her face.

 

He laughed. “Yeah, I love that vicious streak of yours, cupcake.”

 

“Don’t call me that.”

 

His laugh died down. “Look, Nora, I’m sorry.”

 

“Fuck you. You don’t get to say that to me.”

 

“I know how hurt you’ve gotta feel-“

 

“-You don’t know shit! If you knew, you wouldn’t have done it. So explain it to me, huh?”

 

He moved fast, lifting a knee to overturn Nora and knock the blade away. “Wouldn’t want you accidently slicing off anything that hasn’t even been broken in yet. Listen to me, would you?” He laid above her, body holding hers down. The body felt foreign, even if she knew it was Kellogg inside of it.

 

“You can fuck yourself.” Nora lifted her head, connecting with the bridge of his nose. She used the moment it took him to recover to shove him off and get to her feet. “You put me through hell!”

 

Kellogg covered his nose with his hands. His voice passed through them, muffling it. “It was better than the alternative!”

 

“What alternative?”

 

He removed his hand, examining it for blood he didn’t find. She’d wanted to break his fucking nose, but it seemed she hadn’t had enough leverage for a good hit. “I would have ruined you, Nora. We both know it. I woke up, and I knew I couldn’t infect you anymore.”

 

“And Nick was in on this, huh?” She didn’t wait for an answer, didn’t need one. “Of course he was. You all decided you could make my choices for me.”

 

“I want the best for you. I’m not stupid enough to think that’s me.”

 

Nora shoved him. “Why do you get to decide that? Why can’t I decide it?”

 

“Because you make shitty choices when it comes to me. I think we’ve already been through this.”

 

“I thought I’d lost you.” Nora wrapped her arms around herself, trying to hold in the shudder that wanted to run through her. She was terrified if she let it out it would shake her apart, that nothing would every put her back together again. Her stomach rolled and she leaned forward slightly, breath harsh. “I had finally gotten over losing Nate, and then I lost you, too.”

 

Kellogg came forward to grab her, but Nora couldn’t stand the touch. She curled her hand into a fist and punched him in his jaw.

 

His head snapped to the side, eyes narrowing when he brought it back forward. “You get one for free, cupcake, because I know I hurt you. Don’t do it again.”

 

She threw another punch, but he blocked her, then shoved her back against the wall. Her back stung and it forced the breath from her lungs. He pinned her against the wall, holding her hands above her head. “Fuck, Nora, I missed you.”

 

“You left me.”

 

“I had to.” He leaned in to kiss her, but she bit his lip.

 

#

 

Kellogg touched his tongue to his bleeding lip. Fuck, he did love that fight in her, the way she stormed and raged. She twisted in his grip, but he held her, just drank in the sight of her.

 

A flush had crept up her cheeks, a smudge of red on her lips from the bit. He wanted to lean in, to lick it off, but if he knew her, she’d just bite again.

 

She yanked. “I hate you.”

 

“Yeah, well, I still love you.” He took his free hand and set it on her waist. Heat from her skin soaked into his hand, his fingers brushing over the hip of her panties. Damn, he’d missed this.

 

“Don’t touch me.”

 

Kellogg leaned in, pressing a kiss to her neck. “Come on, Nora. I’ve hurt you, let me make it up to you.”

 

“You can’t.”

 

“Then let me make you forget about it for a while.” His fingers slid beneath the edge of her panties, but didn’t go any further, just teased that space. “Trust me, Nora.”

 

“Why would I trust you? You broke my heart.”

 

Kellogg pressed a kiss to her collarbone. “Then let me because you know you want me to. I mean, after your last lousy lay, you’ve earned this, don’t you think?”

 

She didn’t answer, closing her eyes, like she couldn’t stand to look at him.

 

“Tell me yes.”

 

Still no answer.

 

“The silent treatment? Fine then, just don’t fucking tell me no, sweetheart.”

 

He released her hands, then slid her panties down. She didn’t try to hit him, didn’t try to get away. He guessed that was as good as he was going to get with her.

 

Hell, he’d take whatever crumbs he could get.


	17. Chapter 17

Kellogg dropped to his knees in front of her. She still hadn’t opened her eyes, still kept her gaze from him. He nipped her hip in punishment. He wanted to see those eyes, wanted to never fucking forget them, but he knew better than to push her too far.

 

Hell, he couldn’t believe she wasn’t still scratching and biting.

 

Kellogg set his hands on her thighs, making her spread her feet to give him access. Fuck, he hadn’t gotten a chance to really enjoy her before, their only time drunken and fast. Maybe not as lousy as she wanted him to believe, but certainly not an example of skill, either.

 

He had every intention of remedying that.

 

“Shit, Nora, I missed you.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

He kissed her hipbone. “Why?”

 

“I just-“ She pressed her lips together, refused to be honest with him. “No talking or I’m going to tell you to stop.”

 

So she didn’t want to hear his voice. Didn’t want to look at him. Hell, it felt like Nick all over again, something always between them, something keeping her from really being his. He kissed the opposite hipbone, tempted to ignore her request. He wanted to tell her everything he missed, tell her how fucking sorry he was, tell her how much it killed him to be away.

 

But he wasn’t about to risk this. At his core, he was a selfish man.

 

Kellogg ran a finger along her cunt, finding it already wet. He groaned at the heat, and how bad he wanted this. She might pretend otherwise, but she wanted it as bad.

 

He used his thumbs to spread her open, to pull the hood of her clit back. He ran his tongue around it in a slow circle, drawing out a soft gasp from her.

 

He scooted sideways and lifted one of her knees, placing it on his shoulder to open her more. He’d have rather spread her out on the bed, given them both a place to really enjoy this, to let him work as long as he damned well pleased, but the bed would make her bolt. Sometimes dealing with Nora was like a fucking war, you had to use surprise, had to outwit her.

 

He drug his tongue up the length of her slit, glad to have his taste buds right again for this. What a fucking waste for him to have tried with Nick’s mouth. He pressed his tongue against her slit before returning to her clit, rubbing along the sides of it, drowning in the way her voice hitched. She’d covered her mouth with her hands, but he knew her well enough to catch the moans even when she tried to hide it.

 

This was how it had to be, though. Sure, he wanted her begging him, pleading him to keep going, but they weren’t there. She was still fighting herself, fighting him, so they’d go slow, as fucking slow as it took as long as they kept going forward.

 

And to what end? He didn’t know. All the reasons he hadn’t told her he’d lived were still fucking there, but whatever this was kept drawing them back together. Didn’t that mean shit? Somewhere, in some scheme of things, didn’t that matter? He’d never been a fan of fate, but this couldn’t happen without that, could it?

 

He slid two fingers into her cunt, pumping them into her, trying to tease her into thinking about what he wanted to do with her, what would have to wait. One of her hands flew from her mouth and curled into his hair. She pressed his face tighter against her, like she couldn’t get enough.

 

Lousy, huh?

 

A chuckle escaped him before he focused on her clit. He slid his tongue along it harder, up one side, down the other, then flicked it.

 

Nora’s hips moved, like his fingers weren’t enough, but fuck he knew better than to try anything more. He thrust the two fingers into her harder, curling them forward as he did so.

 

She was fighting him. He knew it in the way her head slammed back against the wall, in the tension of the thigh against his shoulder. Was she fighting him on purpose? Was it just a result of all the shit he’d put her through? That she didn’t trust him anymore, didn’t want to come, didn’t want to be that fucking vulnerable with him?

 

He had no idea, but he didn’t like. He wanted to see her come undone against his tongue, he needed to feel her body squeeze down on his fingers. Did she moan when she came, cry out, or just get fucking silent like she was drowning for a second? He had to know.

 

He pressed the fingers in deep one more time then sucked hard on her clit, ignoring the way her hand tightened in his hair in surprise.

 

She came, head thrown back, cunt cranked down like a vice grip on his fingers, but he didn’t stop. He helped her ride out each wave of pleasure. He only pulled his lips away when she shoved, and when the knee of the one leg she stood on started to give.

 

He pressed a kiss to the inside of her thigh before he stood, but Nora’s eyes were still shut. He pressed his forehead against hers. “Stop shutting me out.”

 

#

 

“I can’t do this again, Conrad. I can’t lose you again.” Nora shook, adrenalin from the orgasm wrecking havoc on her ability to control herself. She couldn’t look at him didn’t even want to hear his voice, hear all that fucking pain lacing it.

 

“You’re not gonna lose me again. Look, I thought what I was doing was right. I thought I was saving you heartache. I didn’t realize. . .”

 

“I almost died.”

 

“What?”

 

“The day after, I went after some gen2’s for the Railroad, and I ran into a fucking room of more than I could count. I left Nick behind, and only Deacon being there and dragging me out, kicking and screaming and bleeding kept me alive. Trust me when I say I can’t do that again.”

 

Kellogg cupped her cheeks. “Come on, cupcake, just look at me.”

 

She shook her head, the action pressing his fingers into her cheeks. “I can’t.” Her chest hurt the more she thought about the whole damned thing. “If I hadn’t of heard you talking in your sleep, you never would have told me, would you? I would have gone on half-dead and I never would have known.”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Yeah, you do. Don’t lie to me.”

 

His breath spilled over her lips as he sighed. “Yeah, that was the plan.”

 

Nora shoved his chest until he took a step back. Her shook and she leaned forward, bracing her weight on her knees. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.

 

Kellogg’s hand touched her but she tossed it away. She pushed past him, to her clothing, dragging it on in clumsy, jerky motions.

 

She couldn’t find the panties. Fuck the panties.

 

Kellogg’s voice filled the space but she couldn’t hear it.

 

He grabbed her and pulled her against him, pressing his lips to hers.

 

All she could taste was herself on his lips. That’s all they had between them, wasn’t it? Just sex and want and lies and pain.

 

Nora yanked away and stumbled out of the room.

 

She couldn’t do this, not again.

 

#

 

Kellogg walked into Nick’s office. The synth sat at his desk, as always, looking like he always did. That man was nothing but a time capsule, always stagnant, never changing. Maybe synths didn’t adapt like they should, maybe that was Nick’s whole problem, maybe he couldn’t help it.

 

“Can I help you?” Nick’s voice held the same not-so-subtle annoyance it always did when talking to Kellogg.

 

“Nora ran off a few days ago from Goodneighbor. She was. . . upset. I wanted to make sure she was alright.”

 

Nick’s gaze jerked up from the paperwork. “What? Are you saying she knows about you?”

 

“Yeah. Look, I didn’t fucking mean for it to happen, okay? But shit sort of went south, she might have fired some shots at Amari, and it just happened. I’m worried about her, not trying to start shit. I just, I can’t relax without knowing she’s doing okay. She looked bad when she left, but I couldn’t fucking find her. That girl can hide when she wants to. You don’t have to give me any information, I just want to know that she’s alright.”

 

Nick stood up, grabbing his revolver from the desk. “I knew better than to let you live. It was only Nora that saved your life, you know that, right?”

 

“What’s the matter?”

 

Nick leveled a metal finger at Kellogg. “Nora never came back here. So if she isn’t in Goodneighbor, and she isn’t here, where is she?”


	18. Chapter 18

 

Kellogg slid through the backdoor to the Railroad HQ. Nick was already inside, having gone the front way since they wouldn’t shoot him on sight. None of them knew Kellogg already knew where the place was, though. They all acted like he were their enemy, like he had no fucking clue where they were, like they were kids in a tree fort. A secret like that was hard to keep, and he liked knowing where all his enemies were.

 

Not that the Railroad had ever become bothersome enough for him to consider them enemies. They fell into the potential enemies. He didn’t mind them. The Institute paid him to carry out jobs, and if they’d paid him to wipe out the Railroad, he’d have done so, but not for any personal reason. If they wanted to waste their time trying to save synths, well, it was their lives to waste.

 

“Look, Deacon, just tell me where she is.” Nick’s voice carried.

 

Deacon, who Kellogg recognized no matter the stupid costume he wore, inspected his nails like he couldn’t be bothered with this conversation. “Why do you think I’d know?”

 

“Because she runs to you when she knows I wouldn’t approve of whatever she’s doing.”

 

“Hancock seems the enabler type. I’ve seen him give her jet behind your back.”

 

“Yeah, he is, but she isn’t there.”

 

Kellogg had had enough. He lifted his pistol and pressed the barrel against the back of Deacon’s head. “Tell us where she is.”

 

Deacon froze, and the HQ flew into panic. People moved back, reaching for their own weapons. Nick lifted his hands, trying to calm everyone down. “It’s okay, he ain’t gonna do nothing, right? Right, Kellogg?” The synth may not curse, but the way he said Kellogg, it came out exactly like asshole.

 

“That’s right, I’m not gonna do anything, as long as fancy here spills what he knows about Nora.”

 

“How’d you find us?” Dez took a drag on her cigarette, more relaxed than the others. Then again, someone didn’t become leader of an outfit like this without a set of balls on them. In any other time he might have liked the woman.

 

“I’ve always know where you are, sweetheart. Just had no reason to bother you before. Believe it or not, I don’t go around killing people just for fun.”

 

She flicked the ash into a cup on the large stone circle in front of her. “What do you want with Nora? We don’t turn over our people for no reason.”

 

“I want to make sure she’s safe.”

 

“Yeah, nice job on that one. I mean, you only shot her husband, stole her kid, then came back from the dead and fucked with her some more. Can’t imagine why we might not trust you.” Deacon crossed his arms like he didn’t care if Kellogg shot him.

 

And fuck it, but Kellogg didn’t want to shoot him. Not just because the guy was amusing, either. He knew he was Nora’s friend, and he’d cost her enough. He didn’t want to see that flash of pain when she learned her friend had died, and the look of betrayal when she found out it was by him.

 

He put the gun away and raised his hands. “Look, I just want to find her. She ran off because I hurt her, and no matter the shit I’ve done, I love her, okay? Help me find her, please.”

 

Deacon turned, gaze sharp even behind the glasses. That wasn’t a man to underestimate, no matter his juvenile front. “She’s already made a choice there is no coming back from.”

 

Kellogg stilled. “What are you talking about? Where is she?”

 

Dez sighed and walked forward, motioning for Glory to put her weapon down, that things were settled. She must have decided Kellogg wasn’t planning on gunning down the whole Railroad. “I tried to talk her out of it, but I doubt she listened. I told her to wait, that in a few weeks we could attack together, but she said she needed this done.”

 

Kellogg took a deep breath and tried to swallow past a tight throat. “What done?”

 

“I’m pretty sure she went off to blow up the Institute on her own, and that is a one-way trip.”

 

#

 

Nora sat across from Shaun, eating her meal. She didn’t want to face him, didn’t want to see him at all, but it couldn’t be helped. After avoiding them for so long, her arrival didn’t go without notice.

 

Still, it made this harder. She’d left after the first trip, refusing to see him, to do anything.

 

“You should eat more, Mother.”

 

“Don’t call me that,” she whispered.

 

“Why not?” He titled his head, face blank.

 

Sometimes she wondered if something was wrong with him. He never showed any emotion, never seemed to feel a damn thing. Is that what growing up in this lab did? Did it turn people into him? Pain and filth built people, and she wondered what this sort of place built.

 

“A mother isn’t someone who donates some DNA, a mother raises their child. I didn’t do that, someone else did. Someone else held you when you had nightmares, someone else fixed your ouchies, someone else did it all. Someone else should be called mother.”

 

He frowned and took a bite of his own food. “You’ve lost a lot of weight. Are you ill? We have good doctors here, you’re welcome to see them.”

 

She shook her head. “No. I’m just having trouble adjusting to losing everything.”

 

Shaun nodded and reached across the table. He set his hand on hers. “Losing someone is never easy. In that way, I was spared. I didn’t lose you and my father, because I never knew either of you. I’m sorry, though, that you suffer.”

 

“Do you ever get angry, Shaun? Angry about the life that was stolen from you? Angry that you were thrown in the middle of this life?”

 

He squeezed her hand then let go. “No. I wasn’t stolen, I was saved. I was allowed a life you could have never given me. I’m sure you can see that now, see why this was good. You are hurting, I know, but you’ll understand at some point that what The Institute did needed to be done.”

 

She took another bite, swallowing it even when her body didn’t want to.

 

Yeah, she understood doing what needed to be done. That was why she was going to blow this place to hell.

 

#

 

Nick grabbed Kellogg’s arm, and Kellogg responded with a gun in the synth’s face. “I don’t have time for this bullshit, synth.”

 

“I want to save her as much as you do. Let me help. What’s your plan?”

 

“My plan is to fix this.”

 

“How? You can’t get in there.”

 

Kellogg spotted the tall building he was looking for. Hiding things had become a habit for him, a trick to keep him alive if he were cut off from his normal spots. He squirreled away guns, caps, tech, anything he’d need on the run.

 

And in this building, he had something he never figured he’d need, but something he thanked whoever was pulling the strings for having stashed.

 

“That’s where you’re wrong. I worked there for a hell of a long time, you don’t think I had more chips? What fool wouldn’t keep backdoors open for him? I’m going down there and dragging her ass back here, whatever it takes.”

 

And Kellogg tried to ignore exactly what it would cost him.


	19. Chapter 19

Nora slid out of her quarters, ignoring the way people watched her. She had realized after a few days there that people watched her. There was never going to be a way around that. To them, she was both family and untrustworthy. She was the mother of their savior, their beloved Father, but also an outsider who had broken in.

 

And they didn’t even know what she planned on doing, yet.

 

She tried not to think about all the death. All the people who would parish because of this. The Institute needed to be stopped, and with this done, she was done. This was the last big item on her check list before she could be done with this damned world and everything in it. Dez hadn’t been happy about it, but they weren’t ready to move, so they’d just have to deal with it.

 

Nora pulled her pack onto her shoulder. People had grown used to her carrying it with her, and when others made jokes, Shaun would remind them that Nora had lived outside, where supplies are limited. It would cause many to keep their belongings with them.

 

Nora stopped at the locked door to the reactor. She took out her lock picks and made short work of it before it slid open.

 

The pack tugged on her shoulder, reminding her of what was in it. There wouldn’t be a second chance here. She had to go quick, to finish this.

 

The only thing she regretted was not getting to say goodbye. The face of Nick, devastated, haunted her. He’d be furious she’d done it, both because of her own life, and that of so many innocents. She missed him, missed their friendship.

 

And Kellogg? She refused to think about him. Each time she did, it hurt more.

 

Nora climbed the ladders, grateful no one was there yet. Ever since bringing the damned thing online, they lacked guards. Truth was, they didn’t have many guards anywhere. Why would they? She’d been their only security breach.

 

The metal pressed into Nora’s knees as she knelt before the console. She pulled the device Tinker Tom had made out. The damned thing was just circuit boards and wires, but he’d been clear about how to use it. It would cause the generator to overheat, blowing up most, if not all, of the Institute.

 

Sounded great to her.

 

She pulled the panel off, but a hand closed around her mouth.

 

#

 

Kellogg’s head buzzed with how close he’d been to being too late. Nora had the fucking bomb in her hands, wiring it into the console. The idea that he could have lost her, that it had been so fucking close, made his whole body shake.

 

She struggled in front of him, but he leaned in. “Settle down, cupcake, unless you plan to blow me up too.”

 

She stilled, releasing a shudder that ran through her body like just his voice made her hurt.

 

Kellogg released her mouth then snatched the pack from her hands. He shoved the bomb in, then closed the panel.

 

“Let’s go.” He wrapped his hand around her arm and pulled her down the stairs. When they reached the door, the voice of someone coming had him pulling her backward, toward the back door.

 

Kellogg knew the whole fucking place better than anyone else alive. Hell, he’d lived longer than anyone alive. He’d been a long time agent by the time Shaun had been brought here, and that was 60 damned years ago.

 

They slid through the back door, then took the old hallways silently. He was too fucking angry to speak and she must have sensed it, because she kept her mouth shut, too. He punched in a password to a terminal, and a door opened into biosciences.

 

A scientist turned, and Nora reached for her weapon.

 

Ready to defend him, huh? Kellogg pushed away the hope it sparked, and pulled her against his side, pinning her arm between them.

 

“Kellogg? Right?” The scientist said.

 

“Yeah, seems that way.”

 

“You always liked hanging out in the old sections of the base. No idea why you’d want to wander that junk, though I supposed it is still better than the surface.” The scientist’s gaze went to Nora. “Hello, Nora. Don’t let him get you into trouble.”

 

Kellogg was already dragging Nora out, not needing more questions, more reminders.

 

They made it up to her room, and he tossed her inside then hit the door button, locking the bitch.

 

Nora stumbled into the room, catching herself on the dresser. Her shoulders slumped down, like she didn’t have any fight left in her. “What are you doing here? You wanted to get away from this place.”

 

“Yeah, I did, but coming back here was the only way to keep you from fucking killing yourself, wasn’t it?”

 

“You don’t-“

 

He pointed a finger at her. “Don’t you fucking say it, Nora. I swear, don’t you say I don’t understand. I understand perfectly. I fucked up and hurt you, and I’m sorry, but how exactly is you blowing yourself into a million god damned pieces gonna change a thing?” He knew he was shouting, knew he needed to quiet down, but he couldn’t help it. Anytime he thought about her, her hands on the fucking bomb, knew that ten minutes later and this all would have been over, his anger notched right the fuck back into the red.

 

Kellogg closed his eyes and listened to her breathing. He tried to calm down. She was alive. Everything was going to be okay.

 

Fuck that, everything was shit. But she was alive and that was all that really mattered to him at the end of the day.

 

“Strip.” His voice came out so low, he didn’t recognize it.

 

“What?” Nora stood up straight, backing tighter against the dresser.

 

“Strip. If you don’t, I’m going to tear to pieces anything you’re still in.”

 

“You think I’m just going to take my clothes off?”

 

Kellogg leveled her a look that had her sucking in a breath. “What I think, is that I’m really fucking close to the edge right now, Nora. So I can go take it out on someone else, or I can take it out on you. Anyone else won’t walk away from it, though.”

 

“What are you gonna do?”

 

Kellogg yanked his shirt up and over his head, then did the same thing with his pants. He kept going until he stood naked. “I’m going to fuck you, cupcake, and maybe by the time we’re done I won’t be so god damned angry that you almost killed yourself, because right now? Right now I’m fucking furious. I can hardly breathe thinking about it.”

 

She made short work of her own clothing, and while her face held nervousness, she wasn’t afraid.

 

He crossed the room as soon as she was naked and wrapped his hand into her hair, angling her face up. Kellogg took her mouth in a hard kiss, a way of telling her how pissed off he was, just how angry she’d made him. His free hand opened on her chest, not groping, just feeling the rise and fall of it, reminding himself she was alive.

 

Had it really been so close?

 

He growled and slid his hand further down, testing her slit. Wet, good, he didn’t have patience. Right now he needed to slid inside her, to take her and know for sure she was okay. Kellogg pushed her back, onto the dresser, then lined himself up and sunk in.

 

Nora’s nails dug into his shoulders. He swallowed her gasp, let it soak into the wounds inside him, into the places scratched raw by worry.

 

He let go of her hair and grabbed her hips as he set a brutal pace. Nora broke the kiss, pressing her forehead against his shoulder, seeming to not care at how his movement shook her, making her head bounce against him.

 

“You ever pull another stunt like this, I swear I’ll put you over my knee, cupcake.”

 

Nora nodded against his shoulder.

 

The fingers of one hand grasped her chin and brought her face up to his. “Tell me. Tell me you’re done with this shit.”

 

“I won’t. I’m sorry.”

 

He released her chin and she pressed her face into against his neck, lips pressing kisses, like tiny apologies. They soothed him, like maybe things were healing, maybe they could come back.

 

But even with that, his hips didn’t stop. He fucked her like it was a brand, like maybe he could get deep enough inside her that she’d realize he fucking loved her, that she’d give him something back.

 

She kissed up his jaw, before licking against his lips, seeking a kiss, some affection.

 

His hands clenched down on her hips as he buried himself and came, breath pouring out against her lips. As his energy drained, he leaned forward, mind finally clearing a bit, the fog of his anger starting to clear.

 

Sure enough, fucking her had helped him leash it, like his body finally agreed that yeah, she was okay, they could call off the alarms.

 

So he returned the soft question of her lips. Her kiss asked if he was still angry, if he’d forgive her, and he tried to tell her with a kiss that it was okay. That he forgave her.

 

If only that could fix this all.


	20. Chapter 20

Nora slept, soundly for the first time in a while. What was it about Kellogg's presence that allowed her to sleep, to let the world and all the ways it fucked her over slid away? None of it mattered with him beside her, like there was a huge red reset button that made it all okay, that made her think she could still get something out of this life.

 

She didn’t even dream. No nightmares of Nate, no Deathclaws and raiders and bombs falling. Just a peaceful darkness that let her rest.

 

Nora woke what had to be hours later to find Kellogg staring at her, his head propped up on arm, his other hand rubbing against her side. The touch was light, like he didn’t want to wake her but couldn’t not touch her.

 

“Sorry.”

 

She closed her eyes and savored the sound of his voice. Now that she’d grown used to it, she could hear him in it. It didn’t sound exactly like it had before, but she caught traces of the old on. Then his apology broke through and she frowned. “Sorry about what?”

 

“About before. I was angry, but I shouldn’t have done that. Shouldn’t have been so rough with you. Hell, Nora, you know I love you. Should have never touched you like that.”

 

She closed the distance between them, drawing her body up against his, and threw one leg over his hip. “If I hadn’t of wanted you, you’d have stopped.”

 

“You sure about that?” His voice dripped in self-condemnation.

 

She leaned in and kissed him. “Yeah, I am, and I think you are, too.”

 

He sighed, fingers flexing against her hip. “Don’t leave me like that again. Fight with me, scream at me, hell, go ahead and punch me again. Don’t just leave, though. I lost my fucking mind. You know I pulled a gun on Deacon? Right in the damned Railroad HQ.”

 

“Is he still breathing?”

 

“Yeah, he is.”

 

“Then he’ll get over it. If anyone understands having guns pulled on them, it’s Deacon. He doesn’t hold grudges.” Nora pulled at Kellogg’s arm.

 

 He resisted the pull, tried to stay put. “Let’s hold off, sweetheart. I wasn’t exactly gentle. Last thing I want to do is hurt you. I’ve done way too much of that to you already.”

 

“I’m not sore. I promise.” She pulled again, and this time he settled between her legs but kept his body propped up, like he wasn’t giving in just yet.

 

“We don’t need to. We’ve got time, we’ll just take it slow.”

 

Nora cupped his cheeks, forcing him to look at her. “Come on, Conrad. We’ve fucked on some stairs, on a dresser, how about we do it right for once? Who knows what’ll happen as soon as we leave this room. No one understands how fast life moves better than us, right? So, make love to me for once.”

 

He laughed, the sound soft, before he fitted himself against her. “You always win, you know that? Anyone else? I dig in like a molerat, but you undo me every time. You will tell me if you hurt, I’m serious.” He waited for her nod before he slid into her warmth. She arched slightly, and yeah, she was sore. But something about this helped. Everything about them had been wrong. First it had been Nick and their past, and her confusion, and then it was pain and anger, but this was them. Just him and her and the whole rest of the world could stay outside.

 

Kellogg set a slow pace, like they had all damned day. He ran his fingers through her hair before sliding his hand behind her neck and lifting her for a kiss. “Can’t believe someone like you would let me have you, even for a while. Fuck knows I’ve never done anything in my life to deserve you.”

 

Someone knocked on the door.

 

Kellogg slowed but didn’t stop while calling over his shoulder. “Go away!”

 

That steady voice of a courser floated through the door. “Father needs to see Nora and you.”

 

“I was dead. That gives me at least a day off.” 

 

“I’m sorry, sir, but that is not possible.”

 

The terminal beeped, like they were trying to open the door. Kellogg dropped his head against Nora’s shoulder and groaned. “They’re not going away.”

 

Nora kissed his cheek. “Guess that means we should get up.”

 

Kellogg pulled out and sat up. He swung his feet over the side of the bed, rubbing his hands against his face as another set of beeps chimed.

 

“Look, if you manage to get through that security lock, and that’s a pretty generous if, I’m going to blow your fucking face off, okay? Tell him we’ll be there in ten.” He yelled the words before replacing his hands on his face.

 

She stared at him and it occurred to her. . . she loved him, too. He’d written her a note, fucking told her that, but she hadn’t really accepted it, hadn’t thought about it, but damnit, it was true. She couldn’t imagine not having him to lean on, not having him prowling and cursing and watching out for her. When it had happened, she didn’t know, and what she was going to do about it, well, she’d tap dance across that bridge when she had to. For now, she only sat up and moved beside him.

 

She rubbed her hand along his back, each muscle of his standing out, tense, agitated. “I never asked about you being here. It all happened so fast, and I guess I didn’t think about it. What does this mean?”

 

He took a deep breath before his face blanked, like he didn’t want her to see anything, like he didn’t want to burden her with the truth. “It means I’ve got an employer again, and he wants to see us.”


	21. Chapter 21

 

Kellogg pulled on the jacket he always wore. Well, not the same one, that one was still in Homeplate, but he’d kept extras in his quarters in the Institute, quarters he’d never planned to visit again.

 

But life likes to pull the rug from under you, so here he was, zipping the fucker up. Wearing it had more to do with the state of mind than it did anything else, with sliding into a role he’d played for so damned long, a role he’d finally been done with.

 

Regretting things didn’t matter, though. Not like he’d have changed the choice to come back, not in order to save Nora. Nope, this was how things had to be.

 

Nora waited outside of Shaun’s quarters already, since Kellogg had needed a minute to get ready, to collect himself.

 

The old man was tough, something he’d gotten from his mother. He’d figured the bastard got it from some inflated sense of ego, from being the savior of the Institute, but once he’d met Nora, that shit had to be pure genetics. The others had been able to substantiate Kellogg’s claims easy enough, but he had to go see the director.

 

Outside Shaun’s room, Nora stood in her vaultsuit, and Kellogg laughed. Look at ‘em. Both dressed in their old clothes, looking so much like they had in Fort Hagen. Well, he looked different, but he ignored that. Nora had wanted to find this place more than anything, to get her child back, back when she still believed she had a chance at it.

 

Fuck, he’d respected her. Even when he realized he was gonna lose, maybe more so then, he liked that tiger instinct. Sarah had been soft, worried too much about him, about the life. He didn’t blame her for what happened, she couldn’t have fought off as many as came for her and their daughter, but part of him thought, Nora would have. Nora would have been able to keep herself safe, she could damn well do anything. Wasn’t this conversation proof of it? It was like that girl moved the whole commonwealth by her will alone.

 

“You okay?” Her voice broke him out of his thoughts.

 

“Yeah, sorry. Let’s, um, let’s get in there.”

 

#

 

Nora hated seeing Shaun. Each time she had to, she hated it more. He might have her blood in him, but he wasn’t her son. He’d twisted into something she didn’t recognize, something bad.

 

His eyes met hers, he offered a polite nod, before they took in Kellogg. What did he see? This was unheard of, the transferring of a full personality like this. Sure, they’d done so with Nick, but that had been ages ago and the memories had been old. This mess was new.

 

And a part of Nora wondered if they went along with it only because they couldn’t afford to lose Kellogg’s skills a second time. He was useful enough that they’d play along, treat him like a human, even if they saw him now as a thing.

 

But did they ever see him as more than a thing? More than Commonwealth filth they could hire to do a job?

 

“Why did you not return sooner?”

 

Kellogg lit a cigarette, like he planned on taking all the time he wanted before answering the question. He flicked his wrist to toss the match into a trash can. “Had to put on the muscle. This new fucking body isn’t like my original. What good was I to anyone if I couldn’t aim a gun and do a job right?”

 

“While SRB assures me you passed every test, you left out important details about how this occurred. I’d like those details, now.”

 

The two men played a match here, anyone with eyes could have seen it. Nora kept her mouth shut, trusted Kellogg to know the answers. Hell, as strange as it was, Kellogg knew Shaun better than she did, he’d known him longer, knew what answers he’d accept and what ones he wouldn’t.

 

“You know Nora found her way in here by digging through my memories. Well, that impression was more invasive than they expected. Eventually, I took over the whole damned body, but it took time. And before you ask, you already know Ayo searched for any sign of another personality and came up zip. It’s fucking me.”

 

“Your language alone can clue me in to that. No one else speaks to me that way.” Shaun then twisted his gaze between Kellogg and Nora. “And what of whatever this is? Do not think for a moment I don’t know you two spent the night in her quarters.”

 

This time Nora spoke. “What that is, is none of your business, son.” She made sure to draw out the title, to remind him that she was his parent, not the other way around.

 

“It makes sense, you know that? In a strange way. You brought me into the world, Mother, but Kellogg brought me into this new world. I can’t say I full trust either of you, but then again, who can trust family?”

 

Nora broke the gaze, unable to hold it. Not because of what she planned to do, and the plan hadn’t changed other than she’d give the Railroad more time to find a better way of doing it. It was the past. It was that same connection that had sent her and Kellogg careening into each other over the years, hell, the decades. The way even their pasts, before they knew about each other, seemed entangled.

 

If only Shaun knew exactly how little he should trust either of them.

 

When she didn’t answer, Shaun continued to speak. “I am convinced it is you, Kellogg. I’ll have Ayo restore your access, though do know you will be under closer scrutiny for a time, while you settle back into the way we do things here. Though, I suppose you never really did settle in, did you?”

 

“I’m not a settling kind of person.”

 

Shaun’s eyes darted again Nora and Kellogg. “No, I suppose you aren’t. Go on, then. Your jobs will remain light for a while. You both are excused.”

 

Kellogg turned on his heel and walked out, his jaw tight like he held back the million things he wanted to say.

 

Nora followed, head low. She’d done this, locked Kellogg back up with people he’d wanted to escape.

 

Of course, if their planned worked, she’d handle that soon enough.

 

#

 

“Hell, Doll, you gave me a scare.” Nick wrapped his arms around Nora, pulling her against his chest, all their awkwardness gone in the face of such a near miss.

 

Kellogg couldn’t manage any jealousy. He’d seen enough to know Nick and Nora were a sunk ship, and no one was dragging that thing back up. It was over and done with. They were friends, and Kellogg had so few in his life he’d never begrudge Nora hers.

 

“Sorry, Nick.” Her voice passed through Nick’s coat, since he had her face pressed into his shoulder, holding her like he was terrified she’d drift away if he let her go.

 

And Kellogg could so fucking understand that feeling. He’d found himself grabbing the woman again and again, like she might dissolve if he didn’t test it.

 

Nick brought his face up to meet Kellogg’s gaze, and mouthed ‘thank you’ to him. Kellogg nodded, his way of saying a little bit you’re welcome, and a lot of ‘fuck you, it was for her, I still think you’re an asshole.’

 

He doubted Nick saw that all, but that was okay. He felt better about it.

 

Nick let her go and took a step back, all reluctance. “So, what’s the plan?”

 

Nora shrugged. “Back to the original plan. Wait for Deacon and Dez to be ready to move on them.”

 

“And what of Kellogg’s resurrection?”

 

“Not a big deal. Just means I’ve got to keep Shaun happy while we maneuver.”

 

Nick frowned. “I wish I didn’t have to ask this-“

 

“-But you’re wondering if I’m going to turn you all in for a big payday from the Institute?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

This time Nora responded, her shoulders pulled back. “I can’t believe you’re even asking that, Nick. Kellogg has done more than enough to prove himself. He knew his chances at survival weren’t good, but he was willing to sacrifice himself for you. He could have been gone, free and clear, when I ran off but he didn’t. He went down there and stopped me, even though it made his life a hell of a lot harder. I know you two don’t get along, but Nick? You’re a lot fucking smarter than this.”

 

Kellogg said nothing for a moment as he watched Nora stand up for him. Fuck, had anyone done that for him? In his entire life, had anyone faced off against a friend in his defense? Been willing to risk something to come to his aid?

 

Get control of yourself, he chided. He didn’t need to get all emotional over this, he was way too fucking old for that.

 

Thankfully, Nick responded, and Nick’s voice always annoyed Kellogg. “You’re right, Doll. I’m sorry. Look, you’ve got to be tired. Why don’t you go get some rest, huh?”

 

Yeah, probably a good idea. Nick and Kellogg together was nothing but a disaster waiting to happen, and they had enough disasters on their plate already.


	22. Chapter 22

 

Nora set her things down in Homeplate then started pacing. Having Kellogg with her felt strange. They’d spent so much time surviving, fighting, in the middle of near death experiences, this was the first time they’d really had time to just be, just the two of them.

 

“Strange, huh?”

 

Nora laughed. Of course he’d pick up on her unease. “Yeah, I guess it is. We’ve spent so much time in movement, I wonder if there’ll be anything between us without all that. It’s like, this little half wall that during a fight gives you cover. You love this fucking half-wall because it keeps you alive. But, after the fight, when everything is over, it’s just a fucking half-wall. Is that what we are? Are we going to stop for a second and realize we’re nothing but half-walls?” She turned around to see Kellogg with an eyebrow cocked up.

 

“Well, I was only talking about how all your alcohol is gone.” He grinned, transforming his face into someone younger, like all his years hadn’t jaded him.

 

This was. . . normal. Easy. No hiding, no pretending, just he and her. Not that they didn’t have enough shit between them anyway, but at least that was just their own shit. That felt fixable right then.

 

Nora walked over and wrapped her arms behind his neck and hoped her legs up. He caught her thighs, holding in place while she kissed him.

 

Fuck everything else.

 

And, hopefully him while she was at it.

 

“Well, cupcake, that’s a nice welcome home.”

 

“Put those new muscles of yours to work, huh? Why don’t you get us into bed. Maybe we can manage this without coursers knocking down the doors.”

 

Kellogg laughed as he moved them toward the bed. “That all it take to please you? And here I thought I had to try hard.”

 

#

 

Nora set her head on Kellogg’s chest, a layer of sweat on both of them. His body might be new, but there was no doubt he knew how to use it. They’d spent the last two hours in bed, like they both needed the time to touch the other, to know they were back together and safe.

 

She finally could breathe again, that tiny spark of hope that said things might work out.

 

“You’re quiet. That’s never good with you.” He put one arm beneath his head, the other wrapped around her. “Quiet usually means you’re plotting something. Not that I mind, as long as I’m not on the other side of it.”

 

She shook her head. “Just thinking about the fact that we don’t know each other very well. I mean, we’ve barely talked. Tell me something about you.”

 

“I’m terrified I’m turning into my father. Always have been. He was a worthless asshole and a drunk, and I’m afraid I’m just like him.”

 

The memory of his father screaming through the door while his mother gave him a gone came back to Nora. She snuggled closer. “You’re nothing like he was.”

 

“Maybe. Maybe just hasn’t happened yet. I have this feeling it’s the end point for me, like, I’m avoiding it, but I’m always headed that way.” He took a deep breath, her face rising with the action. “Enough about that. Your turn.”

 

“It was my birthday last week.”

 

“Last week? Fuck, cupcake, why didn’t you say anything?”

 

She shrugged. “Didn’t want to think about it. It’s my first birthday since I woke up. I guess remembering it, trying to celebrate it, felt like nothing but a reminder of everything I lost. All the shit I’m not getting back. It was my first birthday without. . .” She sighed, not wanting to think about Nate let alone bring his name up.

 

Even without voicing it, Kellogg tensed beneath her. “I’m sorry. I know I said it before, but, I’m sorry. About him.”

 

“You were right. Nate had trouble adjusting after the war, after he came home. He wouldn’t have survived this. Wouldn’t have woken up and been able to process all this change. This wasn’t his world.”

 

He pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head. “You adjusted. Fuck, you amaze me. Not many people could wake up two hundred years out of their time and do what you’ve done.”

 

She nodded and yawned.

 

“Tired?”

 

“Yeah, I guess so.”

 

“Get some sleep. I’ve got a couple errands to run.” Kellogg gave her one kiss before he got up and dressed.

 

This ease was. . . nice. It wasn’t something she ever expected to get with him. She wrapped her arms around the pillow he’d left, still warm from his body, and closed her eyes.

 

#

 

Nora woke a few hours later, Kellogg moving around downstairs telling her he’d returned.

 

Not that she had any reason to believe he wouldn’t, other than this fear that he’d somehow slip away again, that she’d wake up to find none of it had been real.

 

She pulled a shirt on, a large one that fell to mid-thigh, then took the stairs barefoot. “Conrad?”

 

“Down here, sweetheart.”

 

His back was too her in front of the stove.

 

“What are you doing? I wasn’t aware you could cook.”

 

“I can’t. Why do you think you found so many cans of cram in my old place? Sit and close your eyes.”

 

Nora sighed, sat, and closed her eyes. “Alright. I'll play along.”

 

The floor creaked as Kellogg walked over. “Open ‘em.”

 

Kellogg held out a Fancy Lad Cake with a candle stuck in the top of it, an unhealthy flame flickering at the top. Two hundred years seemed too long for candles to hang in there for.

 

Nora blinked as she stared at the gift, not sure what to say.

 

“Look, I’m not Nate. I know that. I’m never gonna be him and I’m not trying to replace him. And, I know you lost a lot, but maybe this can be the first birthday where you realize you gained some shit that ain’t all bad, too. It’s just, I wanted to celebrate your birthday, because it means something to me even if it means nothing to you.” He just held the cake out, like an offering, waiting for Nora to take it, to say something. After a moment more of silent, he sigh and pulled it back. “Shit, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done this, huh? It was stupid.”

 

Nora reached out and grabbed his wrist. “No. It’s not stupid. Thank you, Conrad.” She pulled at his wrist until he sat next to her. She blew the candle out and took the snack, breaking it in half and giving him a share.

 

“Happy birthday, cupcake.” Kellogg kissed her cheek, and she smiled.

 

Yeah, maybe she had gained some things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's someones birthday today =D I love birthdays!


	23. Chapter 23

The weight of Kellogg’s old pistol felt right in his hands, familiar, like something he would wield in his sleep. Nora had given it back to him, a present for their job.

 

Not that he ever expected to be storming the fucking Institute. This was the shit that happened in last stands of heroes, not to old mercenaries who just wanted to drift off into the sunset.

 

But where Nora went, he went, and she had a better chance of walking away from this with his help.

 

He knew every inch of this fucking place, has passwords to most of their systems, and knew even their courser training protocols. Him being there increased the odds they’d live.

 

And for the first time, he really wanted to live.

 

Nora ducked behind the railing before unloading another shot at the guards across the way. That woman was the reason he wanted to live, the reason they had to make this work.

 

Kellogg took out the guard that had her pinned down, and she took the chance to cross the distance to him. “We’ve got to get up to Shaun’s room. He’s locked everything down, and only the terminal there will let us into the generator.”

 

“Yeah, great. I was wanting to turn in my resignation in person.” He growled, checking for the best route up. The elevator was a no go, they had that locked down tight. The stairs across the way, hallway over, and they’d be there. Only a couple guards to deal with.

 

He doubted Shaun would have security in his room. The man thought himself above any threat, a bit like his mother.

 

Kellogg pointed at the stairway so he didn’t have to yell over the chaos. Nora nodded, following him. Between the two of them, the trip took little time.

 

The door to the quarters slid open, and inside Shaun laid in a medal bed. The bastard could overcome anything but his own failing body, it seemed. They could have saved him, with cybernetics, but he’d been too obsessed with being a pure specimen. He’d die rather than lose what he thought made him special.

 

Maybe he wasn’t as much like his mother as Kellogg thought.

 

“After all I gave you both, you do this?” Shaun’s voice came out thin, light, like he struggled for breath. Fuck, why couldn’t he have thrown in the towel a day or two sooner? Then they could have saved Nora this heartbreak.

 

Because Kellogg was no idiot, this was heartbreaking. Even if she didn’t know Shaun, even with how he’d turned out, it was still her son.  

 

“You had to be stopped. This isn’t right. I can still save you, though. You don’t have to die here.”

 

He coughed, blood leaving a stain on his hand. “Thanks, Mother, but I think I’ll stay and watch you tear down what I spent my life building. And you, Kellogg? I knew you were trouble. A man who is willing to steal a baby and kill a helpless father, what sort of man is that?”

 

Kellogg jerks his gaze away, thinking about his own father. That man was his father. Someone who cared about himself and nothing else.

 

“Give me the code to order an evac, Shaun. Your people don’t have to die here. I’ll shut down some of the synths and evacuate your people.”

 

“I don’t think so. You can let them die on your conscious as well.” He turned his head away, seeming done with the conversation.

 

“It’s alright. I’ve got access.” Kellogg bent over the desk as he typed, imputing the passwords he’d saved over time, the access he’d granted themselves as they upped their security. Live long enough, and you know the system better than any SRB agent. He set the evacuation alarm and deactivated a number of synths.

 

Shots still fired below, but at least it lessened.

 

He turned, but Nora wasn’t looking at him. She stared at Shaun.

 

Kellogg brushed a tear from her cheek. He wanted to give her time, but they couldn’t stand around here. They needed to finish this. He pulled at her arm, and she followed him, leaving the son she’d fought so hard to find there to die.

 

#

 

Nora tried to shove away the thoughts of Shaun, in that bed, alone. If he’d been healthy, she’d have forced the issue. She’d have ordered a railroad agent up to transport him out, but if they did that, what future did he have anyway? They didn’t have the medical technology they had down here, he’d die in days, in agony.

 

No, better it be quick, even if there was no chance of it not being painful, not when she was betraying him.

 

The fight to the reactor was fast as they passed many shut-down synths, thanks to Kellogg. It meant they only had to kill eight instead of the fourteen it would have been.

 

Dez pointed to the top of reactor room. “Up there is where we need to set it.”

 

Yeah, Nora knew. She’d planned to do this very thing, but her attempts had been clumsy. This time Tinker Tom had rigged the thing right, and the reactor was actually up and running now. It would take the whole damned place out, and everything above it.

 

She’d tried to get agents up there, to clear out any traders or civilian, but you didn’t set a blast like this without knowing there’d be some collateral damage.

 

Sometimes you had to pick the lesser evil.

 

Kellogg took the bomb and hooked it in, fingers quick, like he’d done it a million times. Nothing shook him, did it?

 

Nick had come, as well, though he’d stuck with Deacon most of the fight. Something about not trusting the spy could see anything since he never took the sunglasses off.

 

“You almost done there?” Nick’s voice helped Nora relax. Knowing he was safe helped.

 

“You want to take a try at it circuit board?”

 

“You had more metal in you when you were human, so I don’t know why you call me circuit board.”

 

“Boys, is this really the time?” Dez pointed her gun at a guard who walked in and took him down in one shot. Nora supposed that was the reason Dez was in charge.

 

A bullet tore up from the other side, causing Nick to shove Nora behind him. Gunfire exchanged before silence fell again.

 

Kellogg groaned. “Fuck.”

 

And wasn’t that word the theme of her life?

 

The bullet had struck the bomb’s control mechanism.

 

“Can you fix it?” Nora knew the answer already, in the way Kellogg’s eyes darted, the way he tried to come up with a plan.

 

“No. Maybe if I had a day or two and the right materials, but here? Not a chance. But. . .” He twisted the piece around, surveying the damage. “But the only thing that is broken is the detonator assembly.”

 

“What does that mean?”

 

Kellogg took a deep breath. “It means it can’t be set remotely anymore. I’m going to have to stay here and trigger the bomb.”


	24. Chapter 24

Nora threw herself at Kellogg, but Deacon and Nick pulled her off, each holding an arm. “You can’t do this to me, not again. I’ve already fucking lost you too many times.”

 

Kellogg cupped her face and kissed her, but pulled away too soon. Fuck, anytime was too soon. That kiss could never last long enough. “Yeah, but this isn’t some stupid attempt at nobility, cupcake. If the Institute survives this, there is nowhere for you to hide. We’ll never get a second chance at this. We leave now, we’ll never get back in here, never be able to end this and you know it.”

 

“Let someone else do it. I need you.”

 

He laughed and pressed his forehead against hers. “You don’t need me. You never needed me. You know how you told me Nick kept you from becoming me? Well, that’s what you did for me, you brought me back, you made me care about something. You saved me from being my father, gave me the chance to finally be someone worth a damn. You got any idea what that means to me?”

 

Nora knew everyone watched her sob, but she couldn’t stop it, didn’t care about anything other than the way her heart broke, the set of his shoulders telling her he wasn’t changing his mind. She’d lost him already, barely survived, how would she make it if she lost him again? Hell, she wouldn’t even have a mission anymore, no enemy to keep her moving forward, nothing but her grief to drown in.

 

“Promise me you’ll come back,” she demanded.

 

“What?”

 

“Promise me. You’ll figure something out, some way to get out of this. I know you, Conrad, and if you put your fucking mind to it, you’ll figure out some way.”

 

He shook his head. “I don’t think that’s happening. We only get so many miracles, and mine happened when I got to come back from the dead so you could save me. Don’t think I’ve got another miracle in me.”

 

“Fuck you. Promise me. Now. I want to hear you say it.”

 

He brushed his lips against hers. “Will that make you feel better? Alright, cupcake, I promise.”

 

He brought his gaze up to Nick. “I saved your ass when I had Amari yank me out of your body. You owe me. Time to pay up, Dick. Get her out of here and make sure she’s clear, doesn’t matter how much she kicks and screams, you got it? This is going to be one hell of a blast.”

 

Nora yanked against the grip the two men had on her, but she couldn’t move them, couldn’t even see Kellogg past her tears. Fuck, she didn’t want to miss out on a second of his face, didn’t want to be cheated out of anything.

 

He had promised, but it sure had sounded like a lie.

 

#

 

Kellogg laughed softly, sitting beside the console once they’d all left. The shooting had all stopped. Maybe the few who ignored the evacuation had realized the enemies were all gone. He was still there, and his pistol in his hand said he’d be staying there, until the last fucking second when he’d get to watch the whole place burn.

 

And that pleasure was almost worth it. This place had done so many things, asked him to do so many things, that watching it all cave in around him sounded like a good way to go, if you had to go.

 

“Well, what do you know, Dad, turns out I’m not as much like you as you always said, huh? Might have taken longer than it should have, but you know what? Fuck you, I’m nothing like you.” He said the words into the empty space, into the ghosts that finally drifted away.

 

Yeah, this was something he could be proud of. Well, proud of for a few seconds at least, until he blew up, but still, proud. That was worth something, especially to a man who’d done all the things he had.

 

And Nora would be safe. She’d get to go and live a good life, find someone a hell of a lot better than he was. There was some consolation in that, wasn’t there? Some karmic symmetry. He’d taken away her family, but here he was trying to give her back something, giving her a future. It wasn’t enough, nothing ever would be, but it was something.

 

Kellogg kicked a body beside him, the idiot who had shot the detonator control. If not for him, the whole plan would have gone off without a problem. He’d get to wrap his arms around Nora while they watched the place go from a safe distance.

 

Fucking coursers.

 

He stopped. Coursers. Chips.

 

His promise repeated in his head, over and over again. He’d promised.

 

The chip could be wired in, and activated by the feedback when he triggered the bomb. There would be a five second delay before the blast happened, if he were lucky.

 

It was a close fucking call, but he’d promised, hadn’t he? He’d let Nora down too many times, he couldn’t do it again. If he failed, he fucking failed, but he’d promised he’d try.

 

Kellogg yanked a blade from his belt and dug into the back of the courser’s neck, pulling out the tiny chip. He demanded his fingers work despite the blood still on the chip as he wired it into the console, beside the bomb.

 

His odds were. . . not great. But hell, he’d gone on worse odds.

 

Here went nothing. He triggered the bomb.

 

One.

 

Two.

 

Three.

 

Four.

 

Five.

 

Everything went white.

 

#

 

Nora gripped the railing at the top of the Mass Fusion building, Nick’s hands on her waist as if he thought she’d throw herself over.

 

He had to make it. She shut her eyes, praying to whoever might listen. She’d given up so many things, lost so many things, she deserved this. This one things, this one wish.

 

He needed to appear beside her, somehow. Walk up with that cocky smile, tell her some incredible story about how he’d made it. The world owed her this!

 

White exploded up from the ground, the building shaking before dust covered the sky and darkened the sun.

 

The Institute was gone.

 

Her knees gave out, the metal of the balcony crashing into her even though she didn’t feel it, couldn’t feel it.

 

He’d promised. . .


	25. Chapter 25

Nora shut the door to Homeplate and pressed her forehead against it. Nick knocked from the other side, the jarring of the door causing it to rattled against her head, but she just didn’t fucking care.

 

“Come on, Nora. Open up. Let me sit with you, please?”

 

“Go away,” she said, hand flat against the metal, wishing it was hot from direct sun. She craved that burn that would make her feel something.

 

“You shouldn’t be alone right now. If you don’t let me in, I’m just going to stand here all night.”

 

“Then stand there.” She backed away from the door, too tired to cry, too tired to do anything.

 

Three days and no word. She’d scoured the ruins but found no trace. Three days of hell, of living in that horrid not knowing stage. He’d promised, but she guessed there were limits, even for Kellogg.

 

“I don’t want to lose you.” Nick’s voice cracked as it passed through the doorway.

 

Yeah, that was exactly what they were all thinking, that she’d go off and end it. “I’m not going to off myself, Nick.” She dropped her voice so it wouldn’t reach through the door. “The asshole would haunt me if I did that.”

 

A hand set on her back. “Shouldn’t talk ill of the dead.”

 

Nora spun around and threw herself into Kellogg’s arms. He must have expected it, because he wrapped his arms around her and held her up as she claimed his mouth in a kiss.

 

How was he here? She didn’t fucking care at that moment. He could be a delusion or a stroke and she’d happily stay there forever.

 

Nick banged his fist against the door. “Let me in, Doll.”

 

Kellogg broke the kiss, walking them to the door, Nora’s legs wrapped around his waist because she was never letting go. He opened the door a crack, enough for Nick to see him. “Sorry, bot, but we’re a little busy.”

 

“Well, I guess you had one more miracle in you, huh?”

 

“Guess so. I’ll look after her tonight.”

 

Nick laughed and shook his head. “Yeah, I bet you will. Have a good night, you two.”

 

Kellogg shut the door and pressed Nora’s back to it.

 

She dug her fingers into his shoulders, clinging to him. “Where have you been? I searched for you.”

 

He ran his fingers through her hair, like he’d forgotten how it felt, like he had to remind himself of every detail. “Fuck, sweetheart, rigging a courser chip into a bomb isn’t an exact science. That shit dropped me down in Quincy. Took me this long to trek up here.”

 

“I thought I lost you.”

 

“Hey, I promised, didn’t I? It’d take a lot more than a tiny explosion to keep me away from you. Figure this must be some sort of gift from the universe to you, because I sure as fuck haven’t done anything worthy of all these second chances I’m getting.” He brushed his lips against hers. “But I’m not about to argue with the universe if it means I get to keep you a little longer.”

 

Nora chuckled and nipped at his bottom lip. “Fuck a little longer. I’m keeping you forever, Conrad.”

 

“Sounds like a plan, cupcake.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! :)


End file.
